Saying No

    I had a dream the other night which engages me on several levels.  In the dream I am at a medical facility.  There is a group of 6 or 8 doctor types gathered around me.  They are telling me that they need to do some kind of highly invasive procedure that will be quite painful.  They tell me that there is no guarantee that they will be able to gather any useful information but they MIGHT get some answers to some questions they have.  They want me to sign the paper so they can go ahead with this.  I very calmly look at them and tell them no.  No, I don't want that procedure.  What?  They are aghast!  What do you mean no?  This is what we have to do in order to attempt to fix you.  You will have to submit to this procedure or we can not help you any more.  You might die.  Okay then, I say calmly.  So be it.

    Weird, heh? I like that I say no in the dream.  I like that I make the decision for myself.  No one is going to railroad me into something that doesn't work for me.  I suppose I could be seen as foolish.  After all, they are trying to "fix" me.  I should comply with them.  But I am not interested in the painful, invasive procedure.  Not if there isn't a payoff.  I don't like their attitude.  It is as if they know what's best for me and I should take their word for it.  Guess what, peeps?  I am the only expert on me.

   I suppose part of this dream might stem from the sadness and frustration I feel about my friend Lesly's recent death.  Lesly and her family fought with cancer for over three years.  If she had known from the start how this was going to end, would they have fought the battle so long? The last six months were especially difficult, fighting always for some, if not improvement, at least pause in the cancer's progression.  Such a hard time and yet the ending came anyway.  Far too soon.  Who knows what avenue I would take in a similar situation but I wonder if I would carry on as long as Lesly did.

Check in

      Back on January 1st, I  posted a piece which listed fifty things I wanted to do in 2012.  I'm thinking this is a good week to take a look at that list and see how I am doing. I'm not going to enumerate every item and scold or congratulate myself on my progress in that arena.  No, instead I am going to find and tell about three things I have been faithful to and three things I could refocus my energies on.  Here goes.

#26.  Order new walking shoes so I don't wreck my knees even more.  Yup.  Matter of fact, I think I did this one on January 2.  All good as I want to keep that physical activity level going strong for as long as I live.  I continue to engage in a hour or more of exercise daily and that is good for my body and my mind (as if you could separate them).

#28.  Write, write, and write some more.  Yes, I have been faithful to this one.  I post on my blog at least two times a week (which is one more time a week than I was doing in 2011) and I am writing in other arenas more as well.  I have decided to participate in the A to Z Challenge during April and that promises to encourage my writing habit even more.  I like it.

#35.  Say no when I want to say no.  This is a confusing one for me.  I chide myself constantly about what I should do or should not do.  It's hard for me to say no when I might disappoint or anger someone else but, for better or worse, I am getting more comfortable with that.

#27.  Take a good look again at a daily meditation habit.  Hmmmmm - that would be a no. The desire is still there (made more visible when Noel posted this) but I have yet to shove other things aside in order to make the time for mediation.  The year is still young?

#32.  Take Ellie for a neighborhood walk at least two afternoons a week.  That would be another no, not yet.  Okay, so I can, in part, blame the weather and the darkness, but that isn't really a good enough reason not to do this.  If I were to reinstate this habit, I would remember how much I enjoy it and I would also be practicing breathing and stopping.  Springtime is the right time to start this pattern again.

#8.  Embrace the trip to Alaska in June.  Everything changes, right?  That changed.  We realized the major expense involved (even going on the cheap it was going to amount to $5,000 - $6,000 for two of us for two weeks) and decided that we could still have fun without flying somewhere and without paying a small fortune (or to us, not so small fortune).  I'm okay with that.


     In general, I would say there are more things on the list that I am NOT doing than that I am doing.  Bummer.  But it's only March and we are coming into my productive and energetic time of the year.  Who knows?  Perhaps when I check back with this list near the summer solstice I will be able to reverse the trend.  Or not.  :)