What Waits

    The previous post spoke to that which I will miss as summer vacation's door softly closes.  Melancholy reigns. And, indeed, life goes on.  What is waiting as the 2012/2013 school year comes creeping in?

     For one thing, over 500 hundred children are waiting.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I get a kick out of the kids at my school.  There is some powerful connection between children and me.  The little kids (say, grades K though 5) are easy for me.  I'm not their teacher, I'm not their parent.  Mostly, for little kids, I am the good cop.  I am a friendly adult who smiles a lot and is uber enthusiastic about their accomplishments.  I also really hammer my role as safe keeper.  That is a powerful position to hold in the world of children.  I take that responsibility seriously and am very public about it.  I will follow up with any concern from any child, no matter how ludicrous it might seem.  I like making the world feel safe for little kids.

     I also look forward to interacting with the older kids (grades 6-8).  Here I am not always the good cop but I am for sure the keeper of safety and they know that.  I can be trusted with secrets.  I can be reassuring.  I solve problems.  I also greet them by name and ask, "How was your weekend?" I ask it and they know I am not just asking to be asking.  I am interested in them.  I like them.  I enjoy walking around the campus at lunchtime.  Yes, I am the yard duty supervisor for that hour but, more than that, I am an observer and a friendly adult (who does sometimes have to pull out the cop voice.  Oh well). I solve scheduling problems, I deal with truancy issues, I advocate for students with  parents or teachers when necessary.  I also tell kids the truth, including, "You, kiddo, need to get your act together".  I repeat, I like making the world feel safe for kids.

    One of my favorite responsibilities is as the staff advisor to the GSA (Gay/Straight Alliance).  We have an active group of kids who want to make our campus comfortable for all students, regardless of age, gender, sexual orientation, athletic or scholastic abilities, "coolness", whatever.  It is a blast to work with them.  I mostly use my role to educate the group and to facilitate projects on which the kids want to focus.  They have three goals:  to educate themselves and others around issues of tolerance, to support all students but especially those who might feel disenfranchised, and to have fun.  We meet at least weekly at lunchtime and I look forward to the new year with them.

   These things with kids make sense but what else waits?  There are political issues on the horizon (including a parcel tax on the November ballot).  There are more funding issues and tricky concerns like the declining student population. There are committees that deal with drug and alcohol use among kids in our town or who address truancy issues for kids in this county.  Clearly, there are lots of meetings ahead.  These meetings can be interesting and they can feed my need for involvement and creating change.  I get frustrated and discouraged with the world today but often meeting with like minded adults to work towards change can be uplifting.  I look forward to that.

  What else?  There is something pleasing about having a scheduled work week.  Each day has its own pluses and minuses (though not so many minuses come with Fridays).  I have a cadre of pals among the office staff and the teaching staff is generally a friendly bunch.  There is humor on the campus and support in times of stress.  The give and take among the adults offers intelligent comment, laugher, warmth, and  cheerfulness.  It's not always like that but, overall, the balance always seems to come back to those places .  I keep this  reminder on the wall near my computer for the times when all hell is breaking lose: Amused Detachment.  I do look forward to the banter and the discussions.

    As tough as Monday mornings are, there is a big sigh at the end of that day.  The balance to getting up and getting going, is walking out of the office and home to a glass of wine, some downtime, and the realization that you've knocked one more Monday down.  If Monday afternoons are good, imagine how that works through the week, each afternoon feeling more and more rich with accomplishment.  Friday afternoons cannot be beat.  Everyone (kids, teachers, office staff, parents)  on campus feels it and celebrates its arrival.  Friday afternoons are lovely - so much more cherished than Fridays in the summertime!

   So goodbye, summer vacation, hello productive new school year.  I am grateful that I have a job that satisfies me, that presents me with a monthly paycheck, one that allows me to indulge a few interests as well as pay the bills.  I am grateful to have a job that also allows me some breaks, some opportunities to refresh and renew.  Stepping off the solid ground of summer and onto the treadmill of productivity and responsibility, I remain
ALIVE.


 

P: Parenthood: Stuff They Never Told You

     It's amazing, this whole parenthood thing.  Before you have children, it's really tough to completely understand the whole parenthood picture.  In general, the culture feeds the masses this wonderful, tender portrait of the parent/child relationship.  Comments like, "It's the best thing that ever happened to me"  or  "Oh, he is so cute" or "Isn't her outfit adorable?" all seemingly conspire to make non parents want to take the leap into parenthood.  The soft and tender images of newborns, the sense that people "should" have children, the marketing that goes into creating the all American perfect family, all of this stuff serves to make it seem as if being a parent is definitely worth the price you pay.

    Don't get me wrong.  I am not suggesting that it isn't worth it but there is a part of me that wants to warn non parents that the job is much more difficult than you ever expected.   Here's the thing.  Being a responsible, attentive parent requires that you give and give and give.  From the get go, you are giving away your freedom.  You no longer have all those choices for what to do with your discretionary time.  You also give up your ability to sleep when you want to sleep.  From the get go, you are giving up a TON of money - all those medical expenses, food and clothing items, baby gear, and babysitters in the beginning all the way through lessons, school pictures, birthday presents for a million kid birthday parties, yearbooks, sports, tutors, and then, perhaps college.  That's a  lot of money.  From the get go, you are giving up your heart.  Every time your baby/child is hurting, you are hurting.  And it doesn't stop when they no longer live at home.


      I guess what I am saying here is that a baby's cuteness is an evolutionary survival mechanism.  There are going to be a million hugs, slobbery kisses, and smiles AND there are going to be a million difficult moments.  The difficult moments don't stop when the child is asleep (because that's when you are balancing the checkbook or desperately hoping to sleep yourself).  In the wise words of fellow blogger Melanie Crutchfield**           (words to which non parents would be advised to listen), "Having kids is not about what you get from them.  It's about giving to them.  In perpetuity."

Amen, Sistah!

** Melanie Crutchfield writes  a very cool and engaging blog  - I think the blog title is a simple, "Hello".

Really, People?

Some background first:

       About ten years ago I began a silly program at my school that, for lack of a better title, we called "red tickets".  Every week I put packets of ten blank red tickets in every staff member's mailbox.  I also keep a limitless supply in my office for any staff member who wants to grab more during the week.  I put them in the mailbox as a reminder to staff to USE them.  The deal with these red tickets is that they can be given to students for anything.  For example, if you wear an O'Neill brand tee shirt and you show it to me, I will give you one.  If you come to me at lunchtime and tell me something you learned in school that morning, I will give you one.  If you give me a multiple answer question about anything in your world and I get the answer wrong (which is usually the case as I know very little about Sponge Bob or Star Wars or some other hint of popular culture), I will give you one.  If it is your birthday, I will give you three.  If you do me a favor and run into my office at lunchtime and bring me my coat because I underestimated the temperature outside, I will give you one.  If I catch you picking up a piece of random litter, besides jumping up and down and saluting you to the high heavens, I will give you one.  Teachers might deliver on all of these same things, or perhaps tie it to some success in the classroom, or just distribute randomly.  You get the point.

       So what happens to the red tickets?  There is a wooden box in the office that is festooned with red tickets. Kids drop by the office all week to put their red tickets in the box.  Part of what makes Fridays fun is that I do a short "radio program" over the intercom during homeroom.  I begin with my hearty, "Welcome to Friday" greeting and then proceed to salute the efforts of whatever teams played this week or announce the winners of the walk and roll to school poster contest or play up the upcoming dance.  Finally I announce the red ticket prize winners for the week.  Typically, I have secured 10 or 12 prizes (for example, Baskin Robbins or Round Table Pizza gift certificates - donated by the companies -  or perhaps some treat of the season - chocolate Valentine hearts last Friday) and I pull the corresponding number of tickets.  I do spread them out and try to get a balance of winners across grade levels.  Between you and me, I also won't allow a kid to win repeatedly when others have not won (yes, I occasionally manipulate the drawing but all for good cause).  I pick the tickets before air time so as to have the chance to manipulate if necessary and to keep the radio program going smoothly.  Trust me, I am good at playing up the fake suspense.  It's also fun because often kids will include a "shout-out" to a teacher, friend, or celebrity and I am happy to read those over the intercom.  It's all about the levity.

    So what's the "Really, People?" title all about?  One of the three disgruntled parents with whom I dealt on Friday has a second grade son and a preschooler.  She came to the office after homeroom on Friday to protest the red ticket drawing.  She felt that a drawing like that was harmful to kids.  Her concern was that the ten or twelve winners were exulted and the remaining 480 or so kids were losers.   She wanted there to be a prize for every student or no prizes at all.  Of course, I listened to her complaint and thanked her for her feedback.  As you might expect, I pointed out that life has times when you don't get what you want and the red ticket drawing could also be seen as a chance to practice graceful "losing".  She would have nothing to do with that.  In fact, she strongly reiterated her concern that children are damaged when they can't be winners.  She walked out of the office in a bit of a huff.

      I wished she could have been open to more conversation and, perhaps, at a different time she might be.  What I wanted to say was, "Lighten up." I know she is being a mama bear protecting her cub but what if, instead of consoling him when he didn't win and enhancing his disappointment, she chose to say to him, "Oh, kiddo, it's just a silly little game JT plays.  Let's put another ticket in next week and see what happens." What if, instead of feeding his disappointment, she gave him some coping skills.  Let's face it.  Life is going to give him  plenty of opportunities to cope with not getting what he wants.  Rather than shelter him from something as insignificant as a weekly drawing for a candy heart, maybe she could model ways to deal with disappointment.

      From where I sit the red ticket drawings furnish many positive moments.  They add a bit of fun to Fridays.  They provide occasions for positive feedback.   They build connections between kids and adults on campus.  They make people smile (both donor and recipient).  They give kids a chance to come into the office and say hi to me and/or our principal.

     Here's the thing.  I've had my go at parenting but I am interested in what my blogging peeps say about this practice.  Are red ticket drawings damaging for kids or not damaging for kids?  What do you think?




**** PS.  I kid you not.  I thought about this topic BEFORE  I saw this morning's  Doonesbury comic strip.  Check it out!

Goody Two Shoes

       Two 7th graders were suspended this week for fighting.   They are both "good" kids.  Rarely have I seen them in the office for discipline issues and they both maintain 3.0 or above gpa's.  Apparently one, in a fit of bravado,  told the other he could beat him in a fight and the gauntlet was thrown.  Knowing that fighting on campus would be the ticket to suspension and, for at least one of the boys, something that would upset his parents, these two guys decided to take the fight off campus.  


      Although no one officially sold tickets for the fight, pretty much half the 7th and 8th graders showed up for the entertainment.  Quite a crowd of hormone driven 12 and 13 year olds was mobbing on a trail just outside the school grounds promptly at 3:05..  What they failed to realize is that, legally, the time between home and school is the school's  responsibility so fighting ten yards off campus was the same as fighting on campus.  The PE teacher called the office the minute she saw the crowd.  I got on the PA system and immediately called every male teacher by name, asking them to go out to the field.  Purpose?  To let kids know supervision was on the way.  Males?  Yes, female teachers would go too but, in a fight, 12 year old boys more readily respond to the big male figure (even if he's 60 years old....).  


     In the end, Brett*  clearly came out the winner (after immediately knocking Justin* to the ground and then taking off on foot through the adjacent neighborhood).  Justin took the walk of shame to the office.  Of course, Brett got his comeuppance when he showed up at school the next morning (really?) but Justin had to face the music right then.  Dad responded at once and 20 minutes later, Justin was walking out of the office with a blend of defiance, confusion, embarrassment, and just plain defeat.  


       Justin is new to our school this year.  He is a quirky, creative, funny, guy who has that "old soul" feeling and who struggled to fit in at his previous school.  From the first day, I connected with Justin.  He has some health issues and I worked with him on how to explain his situation to teachers. He was upfront with me from the beginning about the bully issues at the previous school and I checked in with him regularly in the fall.   Our school is bigger and more diversified than his previous school.  He found acceptance by our kids in ways he that was never accepted before.  He flourished.  


     So when Justin was suspended, I wanted to give him some feedback.  Actually, I needed him to know a few things.  I sent him the following email:


Hi Justin, 
It's JT at BHS. 
         I wanted to check in with you just to see how you were doing.  I really enjoy having you at BH.  I find you to be an interesting, smart, and creative guy who also has a delightful sense of humor.  Back a few weeks ago (maybe in December?) , we talked one day at lunchtime and you wanted me to know you were not a "goody two shoes".  There was something about that comment that stayed with me. I guess I wondered if you assumed that I considered you a "goody two shoes".  Perhaps a definition is in order.  For me, that term means someone who somehow thinks they are better than everyone else.  They believe they have a market on always doing the right thing.  A "goody two shoes" is the kid who always has his/her hand up with answer, always is sitting prim and proper, always is focused on the impression they might be making on the authority figure ( whether that is a teacher, a boss, a cop, whatever)  -- BINGO  -- that's it - they care only about impressing.  

        Okay, now with my definition aside, I will say that you are not , in my mind, a goody two shoes.  I think you mostly do the right thing b/c that's the kind of person you are.  You come from a family where doing the right thing matters (however YOU see the right thing).  I think that , despite this fight incident, you are still a person intent on being kind, respectful, and honest.  I have been on the planet long enough to know that all people change.  I know that younger people are still determining who they are (frankly, older people too).  I know that that process means that you try on different ways of being to see if they fit and if you like them (much like you try on shoes to see if the fit and style are yours).  And one style might work for a while or shoes will fit for a while but then you will outgrow them and that is the process of becoming who you are.  

        All this is to say, again, I think you are a wonderful addition to our campus.  I like your spirit and your ability to accept everyone.   I am sure you have looked at your behavior the other day and likely talked to your parents and/or grandpa about the decisions you made that day.  In the big huge scheme of things, this is not going to be a big deal.....but it is a big deal right now.  How you see yourself now and how other kids see you might change and you can make that into a positive.  If you want to look at anything that might be helpful for you here at BHS, you know my door is always open.  Glad to have you here and I'll see you next week --

JT


What do you think?  Will it make a difference to Justin?


*  Of course, these are not their real names.

NutMeg

     Our 24 year old daughter is one of those boomerang kids.  Meg went to college but somewhere shortly before turning 23, she moved back home (sort of).  The tuition and the cost of living away from home were just too much.  I say (sort of) because we have a studio cottage on our property.  It is a cute little place - sunny, clean, and, oh did I mention small?  As in tiny?  As in maybe 20' x 20' , including the kitchenette space and the bathroom?  Meg has her space out there and it is terrific.  She used a lot of elbow grease when she first moved back to clean it up. Then she and her dad painted the whole studio (all 400 square feet of it), and dad replaced the old windows with dual pane windows, replaced the funky tiny old frig with a cool (literally) new one, and replaced both wall heaters with functioning and energy efficient models.

    Meg can come and go as she pleases.  She also can come in and out of the "big house" whenever she wants.  She is wonderfully cognizant, however, that her dad and I have grown accustomed to living sans kids and she is respectful of our privacy and our space.  Her once upon a time bedroom in the house has been converted to a guest room (primarily used by her brother)/office space for me/gallery space (again, for me).

     When Meg initially moved out to go to college, I will admit to (silent) rejoicing.  Her adolescent years were, shall we say, challenging for everyone.  Although she was welcome to stay at home and go to the local community college, I was ready for her to go be independent somewhere else.  But nearly five years of independence can certainly make a difference in how you view the world and what you might appreciate about what you have.  When Meg asked us about our long standing offer to live in the cottage (as in, could she take us up on our offer?) I was willing but admittedly somewhat hesitant, given the challenges when she left (and a few in between).


     I am happy to report that this has proven to be a win/win situation.  Meg has had a safe, comfortable, and cheap place to live while she finished up her BA and got started in the work world.  We have had our moments (generally where someone had unspoken expectations) but, overall, she has been fun to have around.  We check in often (minimally several times a day, via text, phone, or in person) and she frequently has dinner with us.  She is smart and stylin' and does me the biggest favor by laying out my work outfits - a week at a time.  She takes me shopping (okay, so I carry most of the money) and has encouraged me to stay culturally current.  She and her brother are my biggest painting fans and she always has opinions on how I should do things.  She is often right!  She has a terrific sense of humor and is very open and fun about her dating adventures.  She chooses friends well and I am constantly being amazed at how much knowledge she has of EVERYTHING.

     So here's the rub.  Meg is moving out.  WAAAAAAAAAAA!  I have to be careful lest she think I will fall apart when she leaves but I will miss her.  I will miss her laughter, her spark, her fashion instruction and advice for living.  She is not moving far and we will still text and talk on the phone routinely.  She will likely be about 30 minutes away but she will no longer be a daily presence in my home life.  Unlike the last time when she left, I am happy to have her for our neighbor.  But she wants to get back into a house with several other 20 something year olds and that makes sense.  I salute and encourage her growth even as I wave goodbye.  But that's not until next month so I will enjoy her while I can.      

    Meg, shall we make CCC's?  (aka chocolate chip cookies for the uninitiated).