The Silver Lining

June 10, 1964

      Yesterday I wrote about attending my elderly uncle's funeral.  Those occasions are certainly difficult days but there can be a silver lining in such events.  For me, family funerals are painful but they are also precious times to renew connections with extended family members.  I have about 35 first cousins on my mother's side of the family and most of these first cousins have children of their own.  Now that "the greatest generation" is dying (many of my uncles fought during WW2), we meet to say goodbye to another elder but we also meet to visit and connect with our own generation.  Sadly, we have already lost six of the 11 elders and four of the cousins from my generation so we know we are not far behind.

     The extended family is scattered primarily on the West Coast and mostly in California.  When funerals happen, people make every effort to leave their homes and gather where the family of the deceased lives.  Of course, there is a great enfolding of the branch of the family that has been most impacted by the death but the ripples extend to all.  Oddly enough to me, we have weddings too but they don't draw the same people.  I went to a handful of my first cousins' weddings back in the day but I don't see myself on the guest list for their children's weddings - gotta draw the line somewhere!

    One of the best things to come out of the funeral this week was this:  I got a chance to meet two cousins that I remember meeting only once (I was ten at the time....they were 2 and 8 years old.  Does that count?).  Near as we can figure, their dad and our mutual grandfather had some kind of falling out back in the early 1960's.  As a result, that family rarely came to family gatherings. They lived maybe a couple of hours from my home but somehow packing all of us into the family car and going out to visit the other family never happened.  Don't know why.

   It was such a pleasure to meet these two sisters!  They are 50ish and stunningly beautiful (clearly in every way).  The three of us stood together with a couple of other 50ish cousins and tried desperately to make up for lost time.  Impossible! I had the strong sensation that. because of some adult issue from way back when, we kid cousins got cheated out of this connection.  The people at the church were in need of the hall back so we had to move on but not before promises were made to arrange a weekend get together (sans funeral) soon.  I am on it!

Buyers Wanted

      I went to a funeral yesterday,  The deceased was my 87 year old uncle.  He was also my godfather in the Catholic tradition.  John was truly salt of the earth, a genuine good person who lived a life worth emulating.  He was married to my aunt for lots of years (60+) and raised seven responsible, good people.  His children range in age from mid 40's to 60ish and, though I don't know most of them well, I have a huge amount of respect for all of them.

     John and Lucille were devout Catholics.  For their entire lives together they wrapped themselves and their children in the parish, the beliefs of the church, and the rituals and traditions of the faith.  Because their religion was essential to John and Lucille and to most (if not all) their grown children,  the funeral service reflected this value system.  I appreciated the opportunity to sit in the back of the church and observe and reflect on what unfolded in front of me.  I was raised in the Catholic faith but chose to set it aside when I was in college.  So, although the service did not reflect my current way of thinking, I was familiar with all parts of the ritual and I knew the beliefs behind the words and gestures.

    Although I know the beliefs behind the words and gestures, I just can't buy them.  I was impressed with the homily (aka sermon) delivered by another uncle who has been a Catholic priest for almost 50 years.  In his remarks, Fr Ralph talked about death being on a par with birth.  That is, when a child is born, he/she leaves the safe, familiar, comfortable world of the womb and is pushed out into a world of a million sensations - all new and most intense.  And the new born baby has no other choice but to ride it out and see where it all goes.  For the most part, most people would say the ride in the new world was worth it.  And so it goes:  when we die, we are being thrust into a new world and wonders await us there.  Sounds fine to me. I am open to what might come next.  I might even say I am curious.

     The way I heard it, Fr Ralph also talked about how people need a faith community in order to sustain their beliefs in Jesus Christ and all that He offers.  I guess that's where I'm stuck.  I don't have any problems with Jesus.  I like what He taught  but I also know that his words and life were recorded by people who may have distorted his words and actions for various reasons. The Catholic Church grew into a powerful institution and I don't want to participate in the rigidity and often close minded precepts that mark the twenty first century Church.  I don't know why Fr.  Ralph thinks we need a faith community.  I do need people and connections, no doubt.  But I don't want to be told what I must believe.  I have a finely honed sense of right and wrong by my own standards and I most certainly hold myself accountable. Do I need a community to keep me i check?  No, I do a pretty good job of that all by myself.  I have made mistakes.  Plenty of them.  But I live now with all those voices from the past.  I grew up feeling as if I could never be good enough for God - and now?  Now I think God would love me just the way I am.

   Don't get me wrong.  I am happy that people who want a faith community can have a faith community.  I'm just not comfortable with the notion that spiritual life is a one size fits all thing.  I am not disrespectful of any faith tradition. But please don't tell me I have to buy it.