Tell the Wolves I'm Home

      "Don't you know?  That's the secret.  If you always make sure you are exactly the person you hoped to be, if you always make sure you know only the very best people,  then you won't care if you die tomorrow.......It's the most unhappy people who want to stay alive, because they think they haven't done everything that they want to do.  They think they have't had enough time.  They feel like they've been shortchanged."

      These words are from the newly published debut novel  Tell The Wolves I'm Home by Carol Rifka Brunt.   I liked this book.  A lot.  It's a death story.  It's a life story.  It's the story of family, of sisters,  of what it means to come of age.  It's the story of the early AIDS epidemic and how it damaged families and made people scared.  It is a well told story.  Finally it is, at its core, a love story.

      The book unfolds over about a two month period.  June, our narrator,  is an awkward and uncomfortable 14 year old.  Shy and serious, she does not like parties:  "The worst thing about them [parties] is the stupid hopefulness.  Every new party, every new bunch of people, and I start thinking that maybe this is my chance.  That  I am going to be normal this time. A new leaf.  A fresh start.  But then I find myself at the party, thinking, Oh, yeah.  This again."  


    June's sister Greta is sixteen and much the opposite of June - party hardy, talented singer/actress, and the sister that the 'rents clearly see as the successful one in life.  But as June notes,  "It is hard to say exactly when we stopped bring best friends, when we stopped even resembling two girls who were sisters.  Greta went to high school and I was still in middle school.  Greta had new friends.  Greta got prettier and I got ...weirder.  I don't know.  None of those things should have mattered, but I guess they did.  I guess they were like water.  Soft and harmless until enough time went by.  Then all of a sudden you found yourself with the Grand Canyon on your hands."

    Through particularly engaging dialogue, Ms Brunt writes a story full of insight, anger, pain, and tenderness.  The dialogue moves the story along but here and there you will find wonderful short pieces of wisdom from a 14 year old:  "...I fell asleep.  The bed was warm and ordinary and perfect, and it had been such a long, long day.  Probably the longest day of my life.  I felt like I had proof that not all days are the same length, not all time has the same weight.  Proof that there are worlds, and worlds and worlds on top of worlds, in you want them to be there."

    In short, I really liked this book.  I grew to care about the characters in a way that made me think and feel.  I bet you will too.

M: Middle School Meanderings

     Oddly enough (to some people anyway) one of my favorite parts of the day in my work world is lunchtime.  No, not MY lunchtime but the student lunchtime at the CA middle school where I am a guidance counselor.  I am one of several adults who provide supervision on campus at that free time yet I do a great deal more than supervise.  Allow me to illustrate what lunchtime supervision involves.

    The lunch bell rings at 12:35 and I head out from the office to see what's up out there today.  Generally I first tour over to where many of our 8th graders eat.  These guys always intrigue me.  What are they wearing today?  Who is visiting with whom?  Who seems isolated or upset today?  How is the kid whose grandmother is in the hospital?  Did that girl pass her science test? Lots of greetings and brief check ins happen in that walk through their chosen lunch spot.  Next I walk on to where my 6th and 7th graders eat lunch.  Typically I find lots of goofiness there and plenty of silly questions (Can we get hair straighteners in the bathroom, JT?) and I notice the same things that caught my eye with the eighth graders.  The rest of lunch I continue to move, greeting every child by name (how better to demonstrate that I care about who they are?), poking my head into the girls' bathroom (everything okay in here?) and generally assuring myself that all kids on campus are safe.   Sometimes a student will confide in me about a problem they are having or a friend about whom they are worried.  They know I will follow up.  They know I care about their world.  They know they can trust me with their secrets.  They trust me to help them navigate middle school and I take their trust seriously.  I believe I almost always deliver.  

    Middle school can be a tough time for kids and for parents.  Everything is changing for everyone and it’s tough to make friends with all those changes.  Middle school students sometimes seem as open, joyful, and young as little kid 3rd graders.  At other times, their fresh perspective and relatively new eyes reveal wisdom that jaded adults have long left behind.  Just as in the adult world, you will find an occasional bully but steps are taken to both prevent or stop such behaviors when they are reported.  Middle schoolers need community as much as they did as kindergartners.  They need friends to talk to, peers to reflect back their world to them, a culture to call their own, and trusted adults to watch out for them.  That sounds a whole lot like what all people need, regardless of their age. 

Conversations

      I watched an old episode of Northern Exposure last night in which 30 year old Maggie encounters her 15 year old self (imagination runs amok in this Alaskan town sometimes).  Maggie's 15 year old self was mortified when she realized who Maggie had become at the ripe old age of 30.  This older Maggie was no where near what the younger Maggie thought she would be.  Younger Maggie had assumed that older Maggie would have a prestigious  law practice and would be married, with two beautiful children and blended into the genteel life of Grosse Point,  Michigan.  Maggie the elder does not see the need to ever get married, may or may not have children and loves her adventurous life as a bush pilot in remote Alaska.  My, how people change. Naturally, the episode set me to thinking about how such an encounter would go in my life.

      I turned 15 the year Martin Luther King Jr and Robert Kennedy were assassinated.  This was the year after San Francisco's Summer of Love - a summer also known as the Long, Hot Summer for the race riots that battered the country.  I was an aware 15 year old, who paid attention to politics and even thought about politics as a career. I watched the Democratic Convention in Chicago with fascination and was shocked by the riots.  I was already inclined towards pacifism and anti-war activities  and, at 15, I was idealistic and, yes, naive.  Who isn't at 15?  And, in those years, it was hard to be a thoughtful young person and not get pulled into the fray.  After all, you weren't supposed to trust anyone over 30.

     But, beyond that political awareness, I can't tell you who or what I wanted to be at 15.  I don't think I thought much about getting married, though I am sure I assumed that I would have a family.  I am sure I assumed I would go to college but the details were vague.  My parents had not gone to college and there was no college account so I suspect I knew, as a 15 year old, that I would be going to the local public college and living at home.  It's odd for me to think about myself at 15.  I can only get a small glimpse of who I was and that is based on what I knew was going on in the world around me at the time.

     I suspect my 15 year old self would not have been too annoyed with my 30 year old self.  My world view at 15 was narrow so my 30 year old self (complete with college degrees, husband, house in town, and a VW Beetle of my own) would have impressed my younger self.   Would my 30 year old self approve of my 58 year old self?  You know, I think she would have but that's because even at 30 there was a TON of learning left to happen.  In much the same way that my 15 year old self was on the edge of an exiting leap into adulthood, my 30 year old self was sitting on the brink of a new life as well. Thirty was a new marriage, a new career twist, and the beginning of first time ever unprotected sex.  Babies, here we come!  At thirty, I thought I knew a thing or two and I am sure I did but there was so much more to learn.  I suspect 30 would find my 58 year old self acceptable though rather boring.  58 is a strong contributor to the community and 58 has done the hard work of parenting.  30 would enjoy 58 year old's children.  I don't see 58 as on the edge of change but that's where I might be surprised.  I wonder what 75 will think of 58?

Goody Two Shoes

       Two 7th graders were suspended this week for fighting.   They are both "good" kids.  Rarely have I seen them in the office for discipline issues and they both maintain 3.0 or above gpa's.  Apparently one, in a fit of bravado,  told the other he could beat him in a fight and the gauntlet was thrown.  Knowing that fighting on campus would be the ticket to suspension and, for at least one of the boys, something that would upset his parents, these two guys decided to take the fight off campus.  


      Although no one officially sold tickets for the fight, pretty much half the 7th and 8th graders showed up for the entertainment.  Quite a crowd of hormone driven 12 and 13 year olds was mobbing on a trail just outside the school grounds promptly at 3:05..  What they failed to realize is that, legally, the time between home and school is the school's  responsibility so fighting ten yards off campus was the same as fighting on campus.  The PE teacher called the office the minute she saw the crowd.  I got on the PA system and immediately called every male teacher by name, asking them to go out to the field.  Purpose?  To let kids know supervision was on the way.  Males?  Yes, female teachers would go too but, in a fight, 12 year old boys more readily respond to the big male figure (even if he's 60 years old....).  


     In the end, Brett*  clearly came out the winner (after immediately knocking Justin* to the ground and then taking off on foot through the adjacent neighborhood).  Justin took the walk of shame to the office.  Of course, Brett got his comeuppance when he showed up at school the next morning (really?) but Justin had to face the music right then.  Dad responded at once and 20 minutes later, Justin was walking out of the office with a blend of defiance, confusion, embarrassment, and just plain defeat.  


       Justin is new to our school this year.  He is a quirky, creative, funny, guy who has that "old soul" feeling and who struggled to fit in at his previous school.  From the first day, I connected with Justin.  He has some health issues and I worked with him on how to explain his situation to teachers. He was upfront with me from the beginning about the bully issues at the previous school and I checked in with him regularly in the fall.   Our school is bigger and more diversified than his previous school.  He found acceptance by our kids in ways he that was never accepted before.  He flourished.  


     So when Justin was suspended, I wanted to give him some feedback.  Actually, I needed him to know a few things.  I sent him the following email:


Hi Justin, 
It's JT at BHS. 
         I wanted to check in with you just to see how you were doing.  I really enjoy having you at BH.  I find you to be an interesting, smart, and creative guy who also has a delightful sense of humor.  Back a few weeks ago (maybe in December?) , we talked one day at lunchtime and you wanted me to know you were not a "goody two shoes".  There was something about that comment that stayed with me. I guess I wondered if you assumed that I considered you a "goody two shoes".  Perhaps a definition is in order.  For me, that term means someone who somehow thinks they are better than everyone else.  They believe they have a market on always doing the right thing.  A "goody two shoes" is the kid who always has his/her hand up with answer, always is sitting prim and proper, always is focused on the impression they might be making on the authority figure ( whether that is a teacher, a boss, a cop, whatever)  -- BINGO  -- that's it - they care only about impressing.  

        Okay, now with my definition aside, I will say that you are not , in my mind, a goody two shoes.  I think you mostly do the right thing b/c that's the kind of person you are.  You come from a family where doing the right thing matters (however YOU see the right thing).  I think that , despite this fight incident, you are still a person intent on being kind, respectful, and honest.  I have been on the planet long enough to know that all people change.  I know that younger people are still determining who they are (frankly, older people too).  I know that that process means that you try on different ways of being to see if they fit and if you like them (much like you try on shoes to see if the fit and style are yours).  And one style might work for a while or shoes will fit for a while but then you will outgrow them and that is the process of becoming who you are.  

        All this is to say, again, I think you are a wonderful addition to our campus.  I like your spirit and your ability to accept everyone.   I am sure you have looked at your behavior the other day and likely talked to your parents and/or grandpa about the decisions you made that day.  In the big huge scheme of things, this is not going to be a big deal.....but it is a big deal right now.  How you see yourself now and how other kids see you might change and you can make that into a positive.  If you want to look at anything that might be helpful for you here at BHS, you know my door is always open.  Glad to have you here and I'll see you next week --

JT


What do you think?  Will it make a difference to Justin?


*  Of course, these are not their real names.