There is something to be said for just being. It is so not in my nature to just be. I must always be productive and that has got to stop. I hate it. The younger me found it valuable, I suppose. At least it got me something. Now I think productivity mostly gets me headaches.
This afternoon I had the house to myself. Completely and entirely to myself. I wrapped my ears in headphones and put on a playlist I made about a year ago. This one is called "Pretty Lies" and the lead song is - what else? - Pretty Lies by Joni Mitchell. The songs on the list are primarily reflective: some Van Morrison, some Dire Straits, a Joe Cocker tune, several CSN&Y pieces, and others. I wanted to stare out the front window and think. Or not think. I wanted to feel. I wanted to vanish. I wanted to find out what the voices were saying to me today.
The problem is that the LOUDEST voice in the crowd gets all my attention. He is overpowering and scary. When he talks I can't hear anything else. Those soft thoughtful voices become silent because they know he will win. They know I can't hear them and they simply go silent. Why even present themselves? The funny voices stop laughing because they know the loud guy can't laugh. As a matter of fact, the funny voices leave town. Bye bye. When the LOUDEST voice speaks, I have to get up and do something productive. I HAVE TO.
Stupid voices. They make so much noise in my head. Maybe that's why I have a headache most of the time.