Here's to You, Mr. Blue

    Here's a question to throw at the blues:  What happened in 2012 that made the year valuable?  What good surprises did you discover?  What did you learn from 2012?

      One of the best things to happen in 2012 was to be a part of Tim and Sierra's wedding.  I flew to NYC in April, hung out with relatives, explored NYC on foot, and officiated at one of the nicest weddings I have ever attended.  I was not surprised to have loved the time in NYC but I was surprised at how much fun it was to officiate at this wedding. Tim and Sierra have such a warm group of family and friends and I was delighted to be a  part of that.  I still don't get how they came to ask me to be the officiant but I am glad they did.

     My trip to Santa Monica with my brother Matthew in July was also an unexpected highlight.  I had such a good time spending the days with him and we were ideally matched as far as activity vs solitude.   He is such a thoughtful and reflective man and we had the best conversations, wonderful meals, and played together  at being curious explorers. There was also one especially memorable afternoon of being pure unadulterated kids again at the beach.  Never to be forgotten.

       I was surprised at how enjoyable I found April's  A to Z Writing Challenge to be.  I mean, really?  It's just writing a blog piece for every day for 26 days (all of April with Sundays excepted).  The fun was in coming up with the topics and then meeting new blog writers as a result.  I just didn't expect it to be so pleasurable.  I wrote some ahead of time and have already started thinking about topics for the 2013 Challenge.

    I admit to being so surprised at some of the artwork I created in 2012.  Sometimes I nail it - whatever IT is - when I am painting. Painting  is so mysterious to me.  What the hell?  Why such deep satisfaction from playing with paints, colors, textures, all signifying nothing but the random play of an adult momentarily transformed into a kid again?  I don't know but painting surprises me.

       On a very personal note, I am surprised that I stopped consuming alcohol (on September 11, the day after my birthday).  I might start again some time but it has been a valuable experiment to give it up entirely.  I miss it.  Sometimes I miss it a lot. I miss the relaxation, the surrender to what is in my head.  I miss the disengagement that happens when I consume alcohol.  I miss not being in that sweet place of not caring about anything.  On a similar note, I am shocked that I stopped taking the antidepressant that I have taken for over 8 years.  I NEVER would have predicted that I would stop.  In fact, I used to worry that some doctor some time would stop writing the prescription and that I would be in bad shape.  I stopped in late August because I was curious, curious about what would happen.  I thought maybe nothing would happen, that I wouldn't even notice its absence.  Was I wrong about that!  Holy s**t!  It was a tough, tough transition and took a good three months for the withdrawal symptoms to fully subside.  Now the surprise will be what happens next in the alcohol/medication department.    BTW, I also ceased using weed though that was relatively easy and its absence is not so notable.
      So, Mr Blue, what do you think?  If I can go back and be surprised at some of the events of 2012, perhaps I can muster up some curiosity about 2013?  

2012 Review (Part 4)

        Back on January 1st  of this year, I made and posted a list of dreams for 2012.   I reviewed that list in March, in June, and once again in September.   Throughout the year, I occasionally referred to that list and, dare I say it?  I used it as a guide for some of what I did in 2012.  I plan to make another such list on January 1st of 2013 but I want the new list to be fresh and not tainted by a recent review.  To finish off 2012, I will note three things that I can still focus on for the remaining 31 days of the year and I will pat myself on the back for taking three other steps in the direction I wanted to go way back last January.

       Ugh.  I started this post with such enthusiasm but then, when I took a close look at the list, all I saw was a clear portrait of failure.  I haven't been taking Ellie for afternoon walks.  I can barely get myself home from work, let alone go out on a neighborhood walk!  I have not spent three minutes a day stretching (though I do spend 15 minutes or so three times a week stretching).  I did not go to Ohio, nor Alaska, nor on a solitary road trip, nor regularly to the Farmer's Market here in town.  I didn't test drive the new VW Beetle (but I am quite satisfied with my little Oskar beetle so that is okay) nor have I had much fun with getting dressed in the morning.  I find myself just wearing the same old stuff because it's fast and easy.  But, lest I be too mean to myself, all of these things that I didn't do?  It's okay with me.  There were reasons they didn't happen and no one died as a result of me not doing any of them so it's okay.  Let's see if they show back up on the 2013 list.

         There WERE a few things that I did manage to do.  I DID get a snail mail birthday card in the mail to all my siblings (except Noel but that's only because his birthday is yet to come.  I will get that one in the mail, I know).  I DID take lots of photos and even posted some of them to this blog.  I do like doing that and I imagine something involving photography might show up on the 2013 list.  For sure, I paid attention to what the beautiful Ms Meg had to say.  That young woman is a bright light in my life and often brings me away from the serious side and into the playful side of life.  I will also give myself points for not being so paralyzed by the notion of change.  My curiosity seems to be overwhelming the fear of change and I kinda like that.

     
         I'm glad I thought to review my to do list for 2012 this morning.  I am looking forward to seeing what gets thrown down for 2013.  I imagine some of the same kinds of things will find their way onto the list but I also am confidant that there will be some surprises too.  I'll let you know on January 1, 2013.

How Am I Doing?

        Back on January 1st, I wrote a piece entitled Fifty Ways to Lose Your Lover.  It wasn't about losing any lovers but the title got your attention, yes?  It was actually about fifty things to do in the new year. Much less sexy, heh?  I checked back in March and again in June to see what kind of success I was having with the new year.  It's time to look again.

     The original fifty things were all over the place.  At the check-ins in March and June, I considered three things I was doing towards those fifty things and three things to which  I could apply more focus. I want to do that again.

Pauline (mom) in blue; Lolita in Pink

       So what are three things that I am doing?  One that I am happy to be doing is spending more time with my mom.  Since she has moved closer to me, it is easier for me to get up there. I still don't get there as often as I might like but in the summer I visited about every third week.  Now that work has started, I am more limited but I already have planned an excursion there for early October.  Over the summer, I found myself reliving my days as a teenager when my mom and I would go to the store or something.  It was weird, in a good way weird.  For many years, my parents lived in a very isolated place.  I like that she is now in a small town and we can go on errands together.  There is something to do while we are together and that makes it more playful.  I will add that the drive to her house is beautiful.  The highway is not congested and the views are of vineyards and rolling hills.  I can put in music or an audio book and just cruise. Very relaxing.

      A little thing that I am managing to do is to drink more water.  Sounds kinda hokey but hey, we have to take success where we can find it, no?  I don't really know if it matters but I am doing it.  I have this purple Camelbak that I can easily flood with ice cubes and water and it follows me to work, around the house, out in the yard.  Wherever.  Again, don't know if it matters but "they" tell me it is a good thing to drink water so I am doing that.  Whatever.

     Write, write, and write some more.  Okay, so I already claimed this as a success in March, but I want to claim it again.  I am enjoying writing even though sometimes even I don't get what I am trying to say.  That right brain takes over and, even if it doesn't make sense, I like it.  It's the same way with my painting.  Item #2 on the January list was to make time for weekly painting and, for the most part, I have done that.  I don't know where those paintings come from.  Most of them I like; a few are unattractive to me.  But the right brain takes over and the left is along for the ride.  Nice!

       Where can I set my focus now?  The one that immediately springs to mind is to take Ellie on more walks after work.  This is NOT for Ellie, mind you. No, no, no.  This is for me.  Taking Ellie on a walk after work means I get to breathe for a half hour, I get to see the leaves changing color, I can allow the day to sift through my consciousness and drift away.  I always like to do this but so often I get home and just fold.  What would make this more feasible is if I were to force myself to walk away from my office by 4:00.  If I get home too late, then I just don't want to go.  Although the kids leave school at 2:45, my after- kids-leave time is jammed full with all the things that can't be done when there are kids around.  Grrrrrrrr!  Time, you frustrate me!


      I can put #33 and #42 in one wish:  I can notice more color and detail in the world and I can take more photographs. I am attracted to design, color, detail.  What I really need to do is organize my on line photo library.  When posting on the blog, I very seldom turn to photos other than those I've taken myself.  I would like to expand my collection and look for that which I have yet to really see.  It's fun.

    A third thing that I haven't done yet this year but would still like to do is to take a solitary road trip.  There is something so cool about being out there on the road where no one really knows who you are and no on who knows you knows where you are.  It's a way of being lost, I suppose.  Since I often feel lost anyway, I might as well make an adventure out of it.  Realistically, it's not likely to happen but I don't give up easily.


       Mid-September..... But I don't have to get everything done before December 31.  In fact, when I look at the items I originally listed, I see lots that are really life long ambitions.  They are goals that will not be satisfied in one year.  And some of them are vague and immeasurable.  Maybe those are the best ones?

2012 Update

     Back on January 1, I wrote this post about the new year and the fifty things I was going to do in 2012.  In mid- March I checked in here with my progress.  I didn't go through each item but I selected three that I had been faithful to and three that I could refocus my energies on.   Considering that it is now June, it seems as if it is time for another update.

     The three things that I seemed to be on track with in March were continuing to get daily exercise (via new running shoes purchased in January), writing on a more consistent basis, and learning to say no when someone else's plan for me didn't match my own plan.  I am still hanging in there with those three.  The three things that could deserve more attention?  A daily meditation habit, a trip to Alaska in June, and more frequent afternoon walks for Ellie.  Hmmmmm - all three of those are sitting where they were in March.  Meditation is a should (and in direct conflict with say no to stuff you don't want to do).  Alaska?  That's a no go although I am eager and up for some kind of adventure over the next two months.  Walking Ellie?  She gets lots of morning walks but I am up for some late afternoon walks as summer settles in.

  Okay, so let's see where I am with six other goals.

   #9.  Remember that life is short and then you die.  Yup.  Got that one covered.  Maybe too well.

Qualify as quirky?

   #33.  Take more photographs.  Yup.  Got that one covered too.  These days I carry the iphone and often the little Canon camera on walks and here and there.  My eyes are open to beauty and curiosity everywhere.  I enjoy adding photos and graphics to my blog and my preference is that I take them from my own library.  I am jazzed to expand that library this summer.  I have a million flowers and beach photos.  Looking for quirky, urban and faces now.

   #41.  Repot the house plants.  Yup.  I actually did  that about a month ago.  One sunny Saturday set me in motion on that project and they are thriving.  Checked off for at least another year.

  #1.  Go out to the beach at least once a month.  Nope.  So not on track with that one.  But I am not giving up.  WIth more free time over the next two months, I will make up for some lost time earlier in the year.  I hope to reconnect in a way that I won't lose this in the fall.

Current read

   #46.  Read at some other time than right before I go to sleep at night.  I am getting better at this one and now we are coming into the reading season.  Summer is all about reading.  Reading in the afternoon, reading early in the morning, reading novels and gripping stories.  I read less non fiction and more fiction in the summer.  I can be captivated by stories.  Whoo hoo!

   #48.  Write more love letters.  Ahhhh, I like that one!  I want to refocus on what I love in life and then tell it that I love it.  Fun!  Look for more in the second half of the year than you saw in the first.

     Okay, there it is for all the world to see.  My list of fifty for 2012 is still in my awareness.  Hello, summer!  I will cherish every moment that is you.  Guaranteed.

Check in

      Back on January 1st, I  posted a piece which listed fifty things I wanted to do in 2012.  I'm thinking this is a good week to take a look at that list and see how I am doing. I'm not going to enumerate every item and scold or congratulate myself on my progress in that arena.  No, instead I am going to find and tell about three things I have been faithful to and three things I could refocus my energies on.  Here goes.

#26.  Order new walking shoes so I don't wreck my knees even more.  Yup.  Matter of fact, I think I did this one on January 2.  All good as I want to keep that physical activity level going strong for as long as I live.  I continue to engage in a hour or more of exercise daily and that is good for my body and my mind (as if you could separate them).

#28.  Write, write, and write some more.  Yes, I have been faithful to this one.  I post on my blog at least two times a week (which is one more time a week than I was doing in 2011) and I am writing in other arenas more as well.  I have decided to participate in the A to Z Challenge during April and that promises to encourage my writing habit even more.  I like it.

#35.  Say no when I want to say no.  This is a confusing one for me.  I chide myself constantly about what I should do or should not do.  It's hard for me to say no when I might disappoint or anger someone else but, for better or worse, I am getting more comfortable with that.

#27.  Take a good look again at a daily meditation habit.  Hmmmmm - that would be a no. The desire is still there (made more visible when Noel posted this) but I have yet to shove other things aside in order to make the time for mediation.  The year is still young?

#32.  Take Ellie for a neighborhood walk at least two afternoons a week.  That would be another no, not yet.  Okay, so I can, in part, blame the weather and the darkness, but that isn't really a good enough reason not to do this.  If I were to reinstate this habit, I would remember how much I enjoy it and I would also be practicing breathing and stopping.  Springtime is the right time to start this pattern again.

#8.  Embrace the trip to Alaska in June.  Everything changes, right?  That changed.  We realized the major expense involved (even going on the cheap it was going to amount to $5,000 - $6,000 for two of us for two weeks) and decided that we could still have fun without flying somewhere and without paying a small fortune (or to us, not so small fortune).  I'm okay with that.


     In general, I would say there are more things on the list that I am NOT doing than that I am doing.  Bummer.  But it's only March and we are coming into my productive and energetic time of the year.  Who knows?  Perhaps when I check back with this list near the summer solstice I will be able to reverse the trend.  Or not.  :)

Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover

 Okay, not really. I just liked the sound of it and I thought maybe it would get you to open the page.  Besides,  Paul Simon already did that one and, I might add, he did a fantastic job.

     No, this post is actually a collection of 50 things to do in 2012.  I have a best friend who told me about this list that she makes most years.  The idea is to compose a list of 50 things that you want to do in the new year. Not resolutions (I resolve to do whatever sounds so hostile) but rather intentions, as in, I intend to make these things happen.  Not 10 things, not 20 or 30 things , but 50 things.  Fifty things because it is hard to go past the first 10 or 20 things and the more you have to dig the more you might come to something new and/or meaningful.  I'm not supposed to stall around on the list either.  Just supposed to have had it.  Here goes:

1.  Go out to the beach at least once a month.

2.  Get at least 7 hours of sleep every night.

3.  Make time to paint weekly.

4.  Explore the world of ipads.

5.  Visit Alex in San Francisco.

6.  Continue to do weekend morning bike rides.

7.  Think twice before I buy anything that is not consumable.

8.  Embrace the trip to Alaska in June.

9.  Remember that life is short and then you die.

10.  Continue to walk or ride my bike to work whenever possible.

11.  Make time for connecting with friends, both new and old.

12.  Make time for seeing and supporting my mother as she moves through her 90th year.

13.  Laugh more.

14.  Let my eyes shine more.

15.  Make just three minutes more a day to stretch my body.

16.  Embrace the trip to NYC in April.

17.  Be more kind to myself.

18.  Not whine about the weather.

19.  Plan a birthday party for Meg in April.

20.  Send birthday cards to all my siblings (not just an email or phone call - a snail mail card).

21.  Accept with curiosity (as opposed to resentment) the jury summons for 1/23.

22.  Give blood at least 4 times during 2012 (at least if they let me donate).

23.  Go to the Farmer's Market here in town at least every other week.

24.  Pay attention to the rules and decide for myself if I want to follow them.

25.  Remember the person that I wanted to be.

26.  Order new walking shoes so that I don't wreck my knees even more.

27.  Take a look again at a daily meditation habit.

28.  Write, write, and write some more.

29.  Recognize that the moment is all that I have - not the past, not the future, the moment now.

30.  Breathe and pause when necessary.

31.  Renew the nightly dream journal.

32.  Take Ellie for a neighborhood walk at least two afternoons a week.

33.  Take more photographs.

34.  Go up to Bell Springs in the summertime.

35.  Say no when I want to say no.

36.  Drink more water.

37.  Get reacquainted with my mind.  We've drifted apart.

38.  Be playful again.

39.  Take another solitary road trip.

40.  Go to Ohio.

41.  Repot the house plants.

42.  Notice color and detail in the world.

43.  Look at people's faces.  Really look at them.

44.  Have fun getting dressed in the morning.

45.  Lighten up.

46.  Read at some time other than right before I go to sleep.

47.  Pay even more attention to what Meg says.

48.  Write more love letters.

49.  Test drive the new VW Beetle.

50.  Be open to adventure, novelty, and change.