Worthy of an Oscar

Everybody has a story.  Some stories are alive with sadness and tragedy and those stories resonate across the world.  The hero's story is worthy and inspiring and is everywhere if you open your eyes. The triumphant stories can be thrilling and can evoke dreams and action.   And there is the everyday story that is at the heart of so many lives.  No great tragedies or wild grand fortunes.  Simply a willingness to keep going, trudging along, getting out of bed every morning, taking what the world throws your way that day. And in some everyday stories there is no flame, no surface hunger.  The story salutes the sun, tolerates the rain, and believes it is less than it should be.  A mediocre story at best.  The performance, however,  is awesome.   Worthy of an Oscar.  Eyes sparkle, laughter seen as genuine, self deprecating humor which is truth. The actor is alive.  The air is electrical and the sparks are real.  And the performance fools the audience.  It is so good.  No one knows the real story.

Normal

the long road back
dawn and deep blue dark sky
sprinkling of starlight and a half moon sitting pretty
in the bare spring tree
and tires spinning for the first time in months
knees creaking and shoulder screaming
camera in backpack, looking for spring
gotta finish the ride Sam and I started
Aug 21
different day, different hour
same thrill
watching
watching
watching
wow!
kaboom
and that's it
back to normal

A Season Away

This morning at the first light of dawn, I caught the fragrance of spring on a wisp of a breeze.  Heaven in a moment.  Nevermind that it is only early March or that there are days of rain and cold in front of us.  Pay attention only to the blossoms and the touch of green on spikes of brown branches.  Pay attention to the warmth of the sweatshirt hanging in the sunlight streaming through the window.  Notice that dawn is earlier and sunset is later.  Taste the spring asparagus and artichokes.  Close your eyes and know that summer is only a season away.

People Don't Last

Why is it that it is in death that you really get to know a person?  Why is it that death allows you to see all that a person was, all that they gave to you and to the world? People don't last and when they leave you know what you have lost.
Frank was a funny guy who made people laugh.  He was passionate and thoughtful. He cared more than was perhaps healthy for the Earth and for the environment.  His passion was his life and he used his intelligence, his sense of humor, his ability to articulate and think on his feet to convey his beliefs.  And he was able to convert people to his way of life through his humor, his passion, his knowledge, and his spark.  He made everyone he encountered want to be a better person.
I have been reading the many tributes to him on the obit website.  I am blown away by how many people talk about having dinners with him , visiting his model home, being affected by him.  I knew he had changed the world one person at a time but his impact is dramatic.  I want to live a life as rich and as full of impact as his life was.
I want to be a better person because Frank lived in my time.

Wanting is Unclear

I can rarely put my finger on what I want. Or I think I know what I want but the path is too long or too complicated. But it is also simple.   What I want is balance. Simple, yes? But no, not really. There is too much that I want to do and some desires contradict other desires.  I want to be physically active, I want to be still. I want to embrace friendships and laugher and be open to people.  I want to be alone and embrace solitude. I want to eat well -- healthy, simple choices.  No contradictions there.  I want to paint and to photograph and to do something with that artwork. Again, no contradictions there.  I want to thrive in my work and enjoy the many aspects of it without being overwhelmed by it.  I want to travel to new places, have adventures, take in the world and be a part of it all.  I want to cocoon at home and make my world small and tight.
I want too much.

Every Now and Then

 "Every now and the I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by."  Okay so I didn't write those words and Bonnie Tyler sang them but I sing them too.  Sad to say, I sing them often.  I do feel as if, in many ways, the best of all the years have gone by.  The years when doors were open, skin was soft, and surprises where there for the choosing.  Those were exciting times, what will come next times, who will enter my life times. Skinny days and agile, energetic days, sensual tip toe days.  I know, I know, I can still have adventures and doors can still open but it isn't the same.  I know, I know, get over it.  There's nothing you can do about it except embrace change.  I know, I know, sensuality can still be there, and tip toe days too - but it's not the same.  So how can you fool yourself into thinking that you are still young and fresh and people still notice you?  

Faking It

Fake it until you make it. Agree or disagree?
Attitude is everything.  If the attitude I am carrying that day is not positive, cheerful, open then maybe I do have to fake the attitude until it becomes genuine.  It does take a ton of energy to fake something but it can pay off.  I learned while waitressing years ago that tips were good when I was cheerful and friendly.  And, just as  importantly, work was more fun when I was cheerful and friendly.  I would come in for the evening shift cranky or annoyed about something and know that I could not approach tables like that.  So I would paste that smile on and get out there and, before the first hour of my shift was up, the smile had become genuine, my evening was improving, and the tips were good.  Lesson learned?  Put the smile on, suck it up, and get out there and hustle.  Hmmmm... is that pretending to be something you are not?  What about
faking friendship or romantic interest until it is genuine? That I don't think you can really do.  You might THINK you are faking it, but truth is bigger than the act.  Or maybe the act WAS the truth?

Kissing 2009 Goodbye

2009 was not my ordinary adult year.  The family trip to Hawaii back in April proved to be pivotal.  It somehow set loneliness and uncertainty in motion and with that came major cracks in the surface of my life.  The cracks were deepened by my trip to NYC - adventure and independence reminded me that I wanted out of the rut. The laughter and camaraderie of the Washington DC school trip made me lonely for such things on a daily basis.  And then the cracks became dangerously close to breaking my life entirely. Scary.  I hung on, and somehow held the bowl of my life together, dropping tiny pieces here and there.  Was it a bowl that was broken?  No, nothing as predictable and round as a bowl.  Maybe a clay mask?  Fits in some ways but not exactly.  What is the best analogy? What cracked?  Me.  I cracked. I broke and with me, I took my life and shattered it.
Funny thing is, it played out entirely when I crashed my bike.  That's it.  When I crashed the bike, I broke. Broke my bones but also broke my patterns, broke the walls that I depended on to hold me together.  And in reassembling myself, I am thinking I have created some new structure to hold me together.  Not a wall. Something much lighter, much more porous.  Maybe even something flexible yet strong, something shimmery and shiny. Something delicate and open.  A spider web? or a dream catcher?  and what will I catch in that web? I imagine I will catch whatever 2010 chooses to offer me.

Embracing the Unexpected

I stumbled across a quote today that knocked me over:  "Nearly all the best things that came to me in life have been unexpected" (Carl Sandburg).   That could be the title of my next book.  When I was way younger (college age) I didn't plan things.  I just did things.  I went to classes, I worked at whatever waitressing or retail job I could get, I loved and lost boyfriends, I took advantage of whatever adventure came my way.  I distinctly remember wanting not to collect things but rather wanting to collect experiences.  And collect experiences I did.
and then I got real about life .... that means a job, a husband, two kids and a house in the suburbs ...
and life became so very predictable, very planned.  No surprises expected and very few received.
and I got more and more serious and the brow got more and more furrowed.
Something happened though.
Now I hope for and plan for surprises!
How do you plan for surprises?  You plan for surprises by staying out of ruts, being willing to try new things, and talking to strangers!  more later....

Webs

I don't know how my life got so good.  Specifically, how did I end up with a loving, responsible, and all around good person for a husband?  Why did I end up with two compassionate, smart, focused young adults as my children?  And what universal powers led me to challenging and engaging work that also gives me a decent paycheck, sick leave, and time off during the year?  And , again, what universal powers brought me to Sebby - a close community that envelops me with friendship and fantastic neighborhood walks? Or granted me excellent health?  So I have been amply gifted but why?  Why me?  I know the theory about my life being the result of choices I made but, hey, that doesn't fit -- my health? really? okay, yes I do my part with nutrition and exercise and moderation in all things alcoholic but that is nothing really. And I made choices about education and choosing a partner and raising kids but other things conspired to make those choices happen.  The one thing that I acknowledge control over is my attitude.  For years, attitude has been about focus and determination -- all good.  Now attitude also encompasses being alive, noticing the goodness everywhere, embracing surprises and uncertainty, capturing the world in a web of happiness.  Can it last?