Thursday, December 31, 2009

Kissing 2009 Goodbye

2009 was not my ordinary adult year.  The family trip to Hawaii back in April proved to be pivotal.  It somehow set loneliness and uncertainty in motion and with that came major cracks in the surface of my life.  The cracks were deepened by my trip to NYC - adventure and independence reminded me that I wanted out of the rut. The laughter and camaraderie of the Washington DC school trip made me lonely for such things on a daily basis.  And then the cracks became dangerously close to breaking my life entirely. Scary.  I hung on, and somehow held the bowl of my life together, dropping tiny pieces here and there.  Was it a bowl that was broken?  No, nothing as predictable and round as a bowl.  Maybe a clay mask?  Fits in some ways but not exactly.  What is the best analogy? What cracked?  Me.  I cracked. I broke and with me, I took my life and shattered it.
Funny thing is, it played out entirely when I crashed my bike.  That's it.  When I crashed the bike, I broke. Broke my bones but also broke my patterns, broke the walls that I depended on to hold me together.  And in reassembling myself, I am thinking I have created some new structure to hold me together.  Not a wall. Something much lighter, much more porous.  Maybe even something flexible yet strong, something shimmery and shiny. Something delicate and open.  A spider web? or a dream catcher?  and what will I catch in that web? I imagine I will catch whatever 2010 chooses to offer me.