Thursday, April 19, 2012

Q: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

       I have identified myself for years as an introvert who has learned how to play the extrovert role.  It is important in my work to be social and engaging and to make with the chit chat.  I do it all day.  It is exhausting.  When I get home from work, all I really want is SILENCE.  I want to be alone with myself.  I want to retreat.  My idea of a great weekend is one where I can read, paint, walk alone, write, futz in the yard, that sort of solitary pursuit.  Okay, I will go to the beach with my family or go out to dinner with the mister and that can be relaxing but I won't do baby showers, family fun nights, spectator sports events, cocktail parties, or anything where I have to be with a bunch of people that I don't know well and where I have to make with the chit chat.  That is the last thing I want on a weekend.

        When my children were younger, I forced myself to get out there and mingle.  That's what you do for your kids.  I tried to get them to mingle too.  Aren't you supposed to that too?  After they went off to college, I got to remember again what it is like to come home and not have to do all that stuff.  I started to just say no.  No to evening volunteer things, no to school social gatherings, no to casual drinks at the local watering hole on Fridays after work.  I started to be more comfortable with the introvert that I am.

    As Susan Cain demonstrates in her book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, the cultural ideal has become one of extraversion.  In her opening chapters she delineates how extroversion came to be the norm.  I was flabbergasted to read that child rearing experts in the 50's and 60's promoted the idea that outgoing, extroverted personalities were the ticket (the best ticket) to success.  Parents were told to push the child who wanted to go within, out.  A kid who liked solitude and reading and quieter activities (though not necessarily a shy kid) was seen as somehow defective.  Parents in mid 20th century were told they shouldn't accept this behavior.  I am so grateful that my parents didn't heed this piece of so called wisdom.  Instead, imagination was encouraged, reading was king, and a child who could entertain herself was seen as a blessing.

     I am tempted to summarize all of the subjects covered in this book but another way to convey her ideas is to refer you to  Susan Cain's Manifesto.  Some of the points she makes include:

1. There's a word for "people who are in their heads too much": thinkers.

2. Our culture rightly admires risk-takers, but we need our "heed-takers" more than ever.

3. Solitude is a catalyst for innovation.

4. We teach kids in group classrooms not because this is the best way to learn but because it's cost-efficient, and what else would we do with the children while all the grown-ups are at work? If your child prefers to work autonomously and socialize one-on-one, there's nothing wrong with her; she just happens not to fit the model.

5. The next generation of quiet kids can and should be raised to know their own strength.

6. Sometimes it helps to be a pretend-extrovert. There's always time to be quiet later.

7. But in the long run, staying true to your temperament is the key to finding work you love and work that matters.

8. Everyone shines, given the right lighting. For some, it's a Broadway spotlight, for others, a lamplit desk.

9. It's OK to cross the street to avoid making small talk.

10. "Quiet leadership" is not an oxymoron.

11. If the task of the first half of life is to put yourself out there, the task of the second half is to make sense of where you've been.

12. Love is essential, gregariousness is optional.


Susan Cain explores introversion through psychological research old and new, personal experiences, and even brain chemistry.  The information is delivered in an engaging and highly-readable fashion. It's well worth a trip to the library.







15 comments:

  1. Fake it 'til you make it, says the shy kid who became a courtroom lawyer. The funny thing is that I am rarely quiet - whether I am with others or alone - but I do crave solitude.

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    1. I tend to hold my tongue sometimes rathe than get pulled into some discussion b/c sometimes to get pulled in will only infuriate me. I will always talk (and listen) with kids, though.

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  2. I am an introvert who used to teach college English and journalism classes. I was "on" all the time at school, but as soon as I walked in my front door at night, all I wanted was to be alone. I put on a face--a mask--each day to go out and teach my classes; in some respects, I wasn't my true self. I enjoyed teaching, but like you, I just played the extrovert role.

    Very interesting post!

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    1. Thanks, Dana - yes, it is what I do - the mask goes on and the job gets done. But home and solitude is so attractive.

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  3. Except while in my kingdom of middle schoolers, in which I was the consummate actor, on so many levels, I am an avowed introvert, with the ability to seem otherwise. It is a good thing, but a stressful combination.

    Unlike you, though, when I get home, I want to be in the middle of what's going on, and the worst thing on earth for me, is to be by myself. I think that is because I was raised with eight siblings, and like the confusion. Go figure, and if you work it out, let me know the results.

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    1. Yeah and I was raised with eight siblings and I just want peace and quiet!

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  4. I have the book downloaded on my Kindle. I just started reading it. It reminded me of a comment that my 2nd grade teacher left on one of my report cards. Something along the lines of "Lynda is a good student, but very quiet".

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    1. Ha! As if there were something "defective" in that quietness - no way, no how.

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  5. I can mingle easily but there are times when I could just crawl into a cave, boot the hermit there out for a week, grab a few books and just chill out.

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  6. Reading your post was such a relief-- I share these feelings to the n-th degree. I'd like to read this book, but thanks for such a complete summary of her points. Sometimes I feel a bit of a hermit, but my work life of being "on" does take a lot of effort, even if worthwhile.

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  7. I have always been quiet, reserved and happiest on my own. My cousin has a daughter who is very similar and she asked me for advice. I said to let her daughter be herself. I might be different then the rest of my boisterous clan, but I'm not any less happy! I've found what I do well (like being president of our PTSA or running a book sale for the Lions Club)and I do it with passion....quietly but wholeheartedly. Her daughter will do the same, I'm positive.

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  8. I wanted to do quiet for my q post (I feel the same way most of the time), but I didn't care for what I had written, so I ended up going with something else. I love what you did with it though. I'm definitely going to have to check out that book, too. Dropping by from A to Z, and I'm glad I did.

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  9. I've always been "shy," at least that was the label attached to my forehead since I was a kid. I preferred the company of one good friend as opposed to a group of people. At 18, I took the Meyer's Briggs test and the result was INFP or Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiver. I did not like this label as I wanted to be outgoing. Or at least I thought I did. I took the test again at 35 and I was still an INFP. Now, I've come to accept it. I really do like quiet. Alone time helps me to process my thoughts. The only reason I embarked on my journey into death professions was because I was in an MFA writing program and I wanted to impress my teacher. Ha. I was so ill suited for this exploration. In addition to introversion I had a bad case of social anxiety. But, it made for an interesting story and I met some wonderful people along the way. Will I throw a party if it's published? Um, no.

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  10. This is an issue that is near and dear to my mostly introverted heart. I saw an excerpt of this book somewhere in the past few weeks--I was on the fence about whether to read it or not, but this review pushed me over. Into the notebook it goes.

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  11. I love this, Gracie. I am an odd kind of introvert—loud and prone to blurts, but driven to solitude and quiet time with friends. I may be boisterous in groups or silent on the edge. Either way, it exhausts me. I shared your post on Faith in Ambiguity's Facebook page. Thanks for your thoughtful review. I have to get that book.

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