I've started a farewell to 2011 post a couple of times now and it's not working for me. I don't really like to look backwards but I can see the value of examining the life already lived. 2011 saw my life break into shards but, the thing is, I was the only one who saw the breakdown. I let a tiny fistful of people see pieces of that collapse and I tried to paint it but I am the only one who really knows what happened. I prefer it that way.
I do believe I literally broke and I do believe that the pieces are still all around me on the floor. I have reached a point where I am not afraid of them anymore. They will not cut me. They will not kill me. I have even started to pick them up occasionally and will run my fingers over them to feel the smooth yet sharp texture. When the disintegration first occurred, the shards were shiny red but since that time, they have become more mellow, a deeper, ancient sort of red. There are some of the shiny ones still flashing in the winter sunlight but mostly the pieces are less flamboyant, less garish. At first, I couldn't imagine that the pieces could ever be anything but dangerous. Time has a way of changing one's perceptions, however, and now I think that if I allow myself to become acquainted with those splinters and slivers perhaps I can put them to some kind of use in 2012. I am creative but I am also hugely defined by my personal culture and history. I fear I have some more breaking to do but perhaps this will be more breaking out than breaking apart. I am curious to see what happens to those shards in the upcoming year. One thing for sure, though: I am not afraid of them.
I do believe I literally broke and I do believe that the pieces are still all around me on the floor. I have reached a point where I am not afraid of them anymore. They will not cut me. They will not kill me. I have even started to pick them up occasionally and will run my fingers over them to feel the smooth yet sharp texture. When the disintegration first occurred, the shards were shiny red but since that time, they have become more mellow, a deeper, ancient sort of red. There are some of the shiny ones still flashing in the winter sunlight but mostly the pieces are less flamboyant, less garish. At first, I couldn't imagine that the pieces could ever be anything but dangerous. Time has a way of changing one's perceptions, however, and now I think that if I allow myself to become acquainted with those splinters and slivers perhaps I can put them to some kind of use in 2012. I am creative but I am also hugely defined by my personal culture and history. I fear I have some more breaking to do but perhaps this will be more breaking out than breaking apart. I am curious to see what happens to those shards in the upcoming year. One thing for sure, though: I am not afraid of them.
"They cut me; they inject me; they hurt me. I need protection from the shards." That's what you wrote. Now you are not afraid of them. Could there be any better news? It doesn't mean that there is no more pain; it just means that there is no fear. No fear. Nice. Besides, there are a lot more of us to give you support, should the need arise. That's just the kind of folks we are. There is a lot to find in your painting, and I am sure that is a result of those shards. No angst-no thanks.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a beautiful and honest post, and such raw and honest paintings. I hope your shards find their way into a surprising mosaic in the coming months. The loss of fear is an amazing thing, indeed.
ReplyDeleteI love the imagery in your words, combined with the paintings. I also love the focus on what is yet to come (which we can impact) versus what we have come through (which is over and done). Happy New Year!
ReplyDeleteMark, I never thought to go back and look at what I wrote last summer. I'm glad you did. I have been afraid for a long time. It's refreshing not to feel so scared.
ReplyDeleteand S.S - It is pretty raw and confusing perhaps, isn't it? When I wrote some earlier pieces last summer it was mostly just me reading them. It takes some trust to put them out here but I get that from you - thanks.
Sarah - I'm glad you like the imagery. I don't know what it means. It's just what fell off the fingers today. And I am open to what is to come. Or, I don't care. Take your choice. Thanks for your kind words.
The imagery of both the words and the paintings is stunning and like SS, said raw. I have seen it happen again and again--with myself and others--that the best of us is somehow revealed in the aftermath of shattering things. I look forward to the glimpses of your 2012 that you're willing to share with us.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your optimism, Masked Mom. The thing that always gets me about these shards is that they remain known only to me. For instance, people at my work would never know about these as they are so well hidden. I don't know if that is good or bad but that' okay..... Thanks for being receptive to this stranger's quirkiness. :)
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