Details

    I considered taking on The  River Writing Challenge.  The challenge there is to look at the details and then write about them.  I wanted to commit to it but decided I was crazy to do that.  Knowing me, I would forget that it was all in fun and it would become another stressor on my daily "to do" list. Not a bad thing this week but, potentially, a self defeating thing next week.

      BUT...... on that silly list of 50 things to do in 2012, there is the one that has to do with seeing the colors and noticing the details so I am just going to do that.  For example , yesterday I pruned back the roses.  This is a job that I assumed a few years ago and actually kind of enjoy doing.  I don't know what I am doing.  I don't have any knowledge of roses (except that they are pretty).  I do know that they thrive if they are pruned back in winter.  So I get out there sometime in late December or early January and prune away.

   
      We have had some cold mornings this week but, by early afternoon, the temperature has been getting mild enough for yard work.   Yesterday, I headed out to the front yard (in my plaid flannel pj pants and dark blue sweatshirt), dragging a yard waste can and carrying small pruning shears and a glass of iced tea.  Yup, you read that correctly, iced tea.  The first thing that got me attention was those lousy thorns.  The little pointy ones can be just as nasty as the big incisor ones.  But the other thing I noticed was the color of the rose bush stem.  Who would have thought that it would be this lovely shade of red/maroon/deep pink?  But check out those thorns!






       
I went down the front sidewalk, pruning and trimming as if I knew what I were doing.  The roses can be spectacularly beautiful when they first flame out in May.  The retaining wall becomes a wall of red roses along the sidewalk and they just sing the praises of spring.  I was pleasantly surprised to notice among the bare branches and the thorns that there were still a few clusters of lonely summer roses, holding on, hoping to brighten the world for just a while longer.  But chop, chop, they went to pieces.

      Because, you see, there were a lot more of these leftover roses than there were of the summer survivors..  Tinged with fallish brown, broken leaves, speckled yellow and general winter drudge, they do not make me smile.  They make me miss the summer season long gone.  Funny thing is though, I can also look ahead and say, "Hey, May!  Come on over!"   Really, she will be here in five months. The wall of roses will be adored by passersby and I have the perfect view from my studio window.

      And then, mixed in with the leftovers of fall's frosts, I found a couple of pockets of winter beauty.  Look at this tangle of garden detritus.  I don't know what the swirly stuff is except that it appears to be a delicate dancer, gracefully leaping off the rose bush and spinning seductfively around and into the fallen leaves.  Old Man Winter does have his finer points, especially when he lets the delicate side show.  The gold and the brown suggest the richness that can be winter if I only look at the details.

Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover

 Okay, not really. I just liked the sound of it and I thought maybe it would get you to open the page.  Besides,  Paul Simon already did that one and, I might add, he did a fantastic job.

     No, this post is actually a collection of 50 things to do in 2012.  I have a best friend who told me about this list that she makes most years.  The idea is to compose a list of 50 things that you want to do in the new year. Not resolutions (I resolve to do whatever sounds so hostile) but rather intentions, as in, I intend to make these things happen.  Not 10 things, not 20 or 30 things , but 50 things.  Fifty things because it is hard to go past the first 10 or 20 things and the more you have to dig the more you might come to something new and/or meaningful.  I'm not supposed to stall around on the list either.  Just supposed to have had it.  Here goes:

1.  Go out to the beach at least once a month.

2.  Get at least 7 hours of sleep every night.

3.  Make time to paint weekly.

4.  Explore the world of ipads.

5.  Visit Alex in San Francisco.

6.  Continue to do weekend morning bike rides.

7.  Think twice before I buy anything that is not consumable.

8.  Embrace the trip to Alaska in June.

9.  Remember that life is short and then you die.

10.  Continue to walk or ride my bike to work whenever possible.

11.  Make time for connecting with friends, both new and old.

12.  Make time for seeing and supporting my mother as she moves through her 90th year.

13.  Laugh more.

14.  Let my eyes shine more.

15.  Make just three minutes more a day to stretch my body.

16.  Embrace the trip to NYC in April.

17.  Be more kind to myself.

18.  Not whine about the weather.

19.  Plan a birthday party for Meg in April.

20.  Send birthday cards to all my siblings (not just an email or phone call - a snail mail card).

21.  Accept with curiosity (as opposed to resentment) the jury summons for 1/23.

22.  Give blood at least 4 times during 2012 (at least if they let me donate).

23.  Go to the Farmer's Market here in town at least every other week.

24.  Pay attention to the rules and decide for myself if I want to follow them.

25.  Remember the person that I wanted to be.

26.  Order new walking shoes so that I don't wreck my knees even more.

27.  Take a look again at a daily meditation habit.

28.  Write, write, and write some more.

29.  Recognize that the moment is all that I have - not the past, not the future, the moment now.

30.  Breathe and pause when necessary.

31.  Renew the nightly dream journal.

32.  Take Ellie for a neighborhood walk at least two afternoons a week.

33.  Take more photographs.

34.  Go up to Bell Springs in the summertime.

35.  Say no when I want to say no.

36.  Drink more water.

37.  Get reacquainted with my mind.  We've drifted apart.

38.  Be playful again.

39.  Take another solitary road trip.

40.  Go to Ohio.

41.  Repot the house plants.

42.  Notice color and detail in the world.

43.  Look at people's faces.  Really look at them.

44.  Have fun getting dressed in the morning.

45.  Lighten up.

46.  Read at some time other than right before I go to sleep.

47.  Pay even more attention to what Meg says.

48.  Write more love letters.

49.  Test drive the new VW Beetle.

50.  Be open to adventure, novelty, and change.

Anything But Dangerous

   I've started a farewell to 2011 post a couple of times now and it's not working for me.  I don't really like to look backwards but I can see the value of examining the life already lived.  2011 saw my life break into shards but, the thing is, I was the only one who saw the breakdown.  I let a tiny fistful of people see pieces of that collapse and I tried to paint it but I am the only one who really knows what happened.  I prefer it that way.

    I do believe I literally broke and I do believe that the pieces are still all around me on the floor.  I have reached a point where I am not afraid of them anymore.  They will not cut me.  They will not kill me.  I have even started to pick them up occasionally and will run my fingers over them to feel the smooth yet sharp texture.  When the disintegration first occurred, the shards were shiny red but since that time, they have become more mellow, a deeper, ancient sort of red.  There are some of the shiny ones still flashing in the winter sunlight but mostly the pieces are less flamboyant, less garish.  At first, I couldn't imagine that the pieces could ever be anything but dangerous.  Time has a way of changing one's perceptions, however,  and now I think that if I allow myself to become acquainted with those splinters and slivers perhaps I can put them to some kind of use in 2012.  I am creative but I am also hugely defined by my personal culture and history.  I fear I have some more breaking to do but perhaps this will be more breaking out than breaking apart.  I am curious to see what happens to those shards in the upcoming year. One thing for sure, though:   I am not afraid of them.

Nine Days

     At the end of today I will be at the halfway point of my winter break.  I have an unprecedentedly long winter break - eighteen days - in a school year where I desperately need the long winter break.  The school year started for me in early August and brought with it wrenching changes.  Although I knew the changes were coming, living through them with grace and patience has been challenging.

     The winter vacation has lived up to its holiday promises  The house has been filled with family and festive activity.  I have had terrific conversations with relatives and friends, enjoyed neighborhood walks and at least one beach walk, given and received Christmas gifts and hugs, and generally embraced the whole holiday madness. And nine days are over.

     Nine days are over but nine are still remaining.  And the holiday doings are done.  Now I get the real recharging that needs to happen.   I started today with some of the cleaning up and putting away of the tangible Christmas spirit.  I even got out the vacuum cleaner for the first time in recent history and actually shoved it around the edges of some of the rooms.  I am looking forward to continuing to organize the studio space and getting in there and putting my time to good use.  Among my Christmas gifts were four books:  The new Jobs biography, the new Van Gogh biography, a novel entitled The Good Son (given to me by none other than the good son), and a cool book of bike stuff.  I have nine days to read them all AND the one that I started on 12/24.  Just kidding!  But I guarantee you, the nine days will see plenty of reading time.

      The nine days will also see plenty of just plain down time.  I need to get this mind and body reenergized for the rest of the school year.  The work takes a lot out of me (more than it ever has and please don't remind me that I am older than I have ever been too).  From where I sit, however, we have made it through the most difficult time of the school year.  The period from January through April tends to be productive and less stressful than the first trimester.  May is stressful but usually in a good way. As long as I can get my mojo back during these nine days (gulp - the pressure is on), I will be okay.  Any ideas how to do that?

Blogging

    Blogging friend Lynda posted an interesting article today that  centered around the etiquette of blogging.  I guess I am what? stupid? oblivious? unconscious? blind?  uncommitted?  who knows?  Let's just say, I haven't paid that much attention to any of the rules.  But, I am not so good at paying attention to the rules in life so why should the rules of blogging be any different?

   I started the blogging thing maybe a little over  two years ago.  It was just for fun, just for me.  Some people from work occasionally read and commented but that was about it.  I got a kick out of writing and that was just that.  So there was really no need to know the rules because there were no visitors.  Just me coming back to visit the person who wrote the posts.

    Since my brother Mark got into the blogging game a few months ago, I have taken a stronger interest in the blogging world.  He writes daily and I enjoy reading his stuff.  He comments on my posts and that is fun too.  Bigger than that, he has led me into a larger world of the blogging community.  I have such a blast connecting with other ordinary people who like to write.  What I am discovering, is that these are no ordinary people.  They are thoughtful, articulate, warm, and have great senses of humor.  When I read their words, I feel connected and inspired.  These writers allow me the opportunity to reflect on their posts and then look into myself, discover if there is a connection.  Their honesty and inclusivelness give me the courage to share my discoveries.

   So, back to the rules.... until I read the post that Lynda included, I hadn't really thought about the rules.  If I had thought about rules, I would have gone with the essential rule for living:  be kind and respectful.  I care about spelling, grammar, and punctuation so following writing conventions is a given.  I am not inclined to collect followers for the sake of collecting, so to ask someone to "follow" me would not occur to me.  I do enjoy exploring other blogs and, when I find one where I think we have a connection, I will ask to become a member.  If they choose to "follow" me too, then that's swell but I sure won't sit around thinking about it.   One of the guidelines on the list had to do with not plagiarizing and also giving credit where credit is due.  Aren't those basic writing rules?  There was also something about not adding links to your posts .  From my perspective, that is a rule to be broken.  If the writer thinks the reader might be interested in a previous post or in a related link, then, please tell me, the reader, about it.  I am reading your blog because I am interested in what you have to say and background can be helpful.  I do like the comments part of blogging - the conversation, if you will - and comments don't have to be long or complicated.  Just a note to let me know if I hit a nerve with you is informative and fun.

    Maybe as I get better at this blogging thing, I will discover the need for other rules.  I maintain that my blog remains relatively simple because I prefer simplicity in my life (or, at least I like to pretend that simplicity is my preference).  The real truth is, I don't know how to do all the fancy stuff so I keep it simple.  Someday when I have more time and patience, I will explore some of the fun things that I see on other blogs.   In the meantime, I will put some thoughts up and see what any readers think about them.  Be kind to me, okay?

The Dark Months

    Yeah, I do not like this part of Christmas.  I woke up this morning feeling tired and overwhelmed.  Perhaps overwhelmed is the wrong word.  I felt more let down or sad, like all the fun is over for another year.  And this is from the person who is not overly fond of Christmas.

   Perhaps that is part of my dismay.  I grouse about having to do this and that and all the energy and expectations that go into the whole affair and then, bingo, it's over.  Now, the house is a mess, my bank account is depleted,  the rain clouds are gathering (they really are), the sonny boy is making noise about going back to San Francisco, the sibs and their families have come and gone, and it is a long time until spring.

    The holiday thing is predictable in the way that the excitement starts appearing right around Thanksgiving and, for me, it stays at a tolerable level until school gets out.  Then the excitement bursts and for about three or four days everything is about Christmas, one way or another.  Christmas Day tends to be like a deep, contented sigh.  My extended family comes a couple days after the 25th and then it is downhill from there.  New Year's Eve is not a big deal to me, nor is New Year's Day.  I do indulge in some reflecting on lessons learned in the old year and at least consider some New Year's revolutions (yes, revolutions).

   In order to get to the new part, though, I have to let go of the old part.  I have to say goodbye to this Christmas, acknowledge that life goes on and that people grow up, grow old, and move on.  Sad.  And such is life. I have a hard time accepting that part.  I have a hard time accepting that everyone I know doesn't stay young and highly energetic forever.  But I know what happens.  I know what the next chapter is.

    I will go underground a bit for the next two months and late February will find my spark returning.  I am a spring person.  Well, mostly I am a SUMMERTIME  person but spring is a lovely prelude to July's leisurely pace.  The months of January and February tend to be the dark months in my year but  they do have a way of clearing the path for spring.  As long as I have that knowledge on which to fall back, I can get there.  I will start noting the times for sunrise and sunset and celebrate each additional moment we capture.

Boxing Day

    Today is Boxing Day and, no, that does not mean you get to beat up your brothers and sisters.  It is also St Stephen's Day and both days are lodged in my December memory bank.  Heaven only knows why I remember St. Stephen's Day and all that I remember about him is that he was stoned to death.  The whole martyr thing is beyond me but it was hammered into our psyches as kids and so he lives there.

    But Boxing Day?  Boxing Day really lives!  But, in reality, it should be Boxing Month.  Boxing Day originated as a time when the wealthy in England gathered up boxes of things to give to their servants.  The month after Christmas seems to be  the perfect time to sort through, reduce, and reorganize all those things that surround me in the house.  It's cold and foggy out there and warm and cozy in here.  I am surrounded by the detritus of Christmas Day and, oddly enough, look forward to making order out of chaos.  The fact that I still have 14 days off from work means that I can do this at a leisurely pace and that is always pleasant.  Clean a little, read a little, clean a little, write a little, organize a little, nap a little.  You get it.

    Son who lives in San Francisco but visits in our town regularly had a brilliant idea yesterday.  It entails reorganizing both my studio space and my gallery space (funny how what used to be the kids' rooms got renamed).  He was gung ho to make the reorganization happen and gleefully announced that moving stuff around is fun because you get to go through things and reevaluate their usefulness in your life.  I agree.  There is something refreshing about weeding out things and taking donations to the library and the local thrift store.  I guess it is the antithesis of Christmas gift giving and I like it.

Merry Merry

    A blogger friend wrote last night about the peace and tranquility of Christmas Eve.  She created a beautiful post about the precious quiet and warmth that is Christmas Eve after little munchkins have been kissed, hugged, and tucked into bed. The grownups then get the pleasure of being the magic of Christmas and playing the role of Santa Claus, tiptoeing, whispering,  and trying not to crinkle wrapping paper lest little monkey dreams are disturbed.  That was so much fun and now that our little monkeys are 26 and 24 we created the magic together last night.  But being the older and sleepier generation now, we left them to do the final touch ups on Santa's work.

    And now it is Christmas morning and, instead of little people running excitedly into our room to tell us, will wonders never cease!  Santa DID come in the night and, Mama, he ate the cookies and look he left us a note and, Papa, Santa didn't mess up the chimney at all and, Mama, hurry, hurry, hurry - instead of all that excitement, I find my peace in the quiet of the solitary living room.  As always, even on regular days, I am the first one up.  But this morning, I enjoy the lights on the tree, the collection of gifts, and the feeling that, just for a moment, all is good.  My children are loving, responsible, and compassionate people.  What better gift could I have? I have an extended family that wraps me always in their warmth and inclusiveness.  I am bursting with ideas for painting and for writing and have a list of books a mile long for my reading pleasure. There is a beach relatively nearby for Christmas Eve walks and more.The new year is suggesting a trip to NYC in April, a Alaskan adventure in June, and maybe even a trip to India in the fall.  Such gifts as these will be fun to open in the new year and, this morning, when the sleepyheads trundle out, we will enjoy some more concrete surprises.

    Monkeys do grow up and the magic of Santa becomes  a shared gift.  But, still, the pleasures like Christmas Eve walks and board games, and Christmas morning hugs and oohs and ahhs remain a cornerstone of a good life.  I hope I can remember that when the going gets tough in the trenches of 2012.

Frustration

     I have been having fun with the blogging world.  In my craziness, I have found two interesting projects for the new year.  One is the A to Z Challenge, planned for April of 2012. This is, I believe, the third year of this challenge and the first year I plan to participate.  The idea is that there are 26 letters in the alphabet and, if you leave out Sundays, you will have just about one letter for every day of the month.  The challenge is to daily select a theme based on the each letter of the alphabet, starting with A and running all the way though.  Your theme can be anything and your style can be your own.  That silly Christmas ABC's set me to thinking about this one and I am already planning my posts.  Go here to learn more about this creative endeavor:  http://www.a-to-zchallenge.com/
                               

     As I was checking out a new-to-me blog, I noticed that the blogger had a second blog entitled Keeping My Words.  This blog was tied to a website called oneword.com.  Here the task is to accept the word for the day and write about it for 60 seconds.  See the word and start writing.  The wrtiing function stops when you get to 60 seconds.  You can edit your writing after the end of the 60 seconds and you are allowed to finish your last sentence but that's it.  Fun!

      So I wanted to do what this blogger had done and create a second blog for this activity only.  GRRRRRRR.  I can't get it to lay out as I would like it to. My computer is also running intolerably slowly for me.   Perhaps I am just on overload and need to be more patient with myself. That is the story of my life.  I have spent the last hour looking at tips on blogging and trying to figure it out but all I have is a headache.  I am getting tired and frustrated.  Where is my big brother when I need him?  Oh, that's right, home with his family!

     Time to put the computer away.  Time to sit back with a cup of tea, play a low key board game with the family, maybe watch an episode of The Closer,  and see if Santa comes tonight.  I'll let you know if and when I am successful at any of these endeavors.

Christmas ABC's

My brother Mark posted his Christmas ABC's this morning.  As soon as I realized what he was doing, I had to stop reading it.  I am enamored with ABC picture books (there are so many cool ones out there) so I wanted to try this myself without the influence of reading his.  I took the dogs on a long walk and let ideas bubble around in this brain which is on vacation.

Here's are my ABC's of Christmas.  Do any of them resonate with you?

A is for Alexander.  He is our first born and has always been  such a wonderful addition to Christmas celebrations.  As a little kid, he seriously COULD NOT go to sleep on that magic night.  As a 26 year old living in San Francisco, he now brings magic and creativity and the coolest gifts to our Christmas celebration.

B is for the beach.  It has been our holiday tradition for well over 20
years to head over to the coast on Christmas Eve Day. The four of us
take a walk along the beach at Doran and end up having dinner at one of our favorite places over there.  The idea has always been to get away from the commercial Christmas and enjoy the beauty found around us.

C is all about cigar stands.  What's a cigar stand you ask?  That refers to houses decorated with outdoor Christmas lights.  Our dad always called them cigar stands so his kids and his grandkids have carried that on.  Why cigar stands?  We don't know but we think the name came from one of two places.  Either, during the 1930's in Detroit where our dad grew up, cigar stands were ringed with lights OR our dad saw the lights as the tips of cigars.  Whatever.  It's in the family and it stays.

D is about the dark that surrounds Christmas.  It comes so close to the winter solstice and nights are long and cold.  Cigar stands help temper that darkness.

E could be about eggnog.  Eggnog is not my favorite thing but everyone else in my family likes it so I humor them and keep it in the fridge for them.  They mostly drink it like milk without the alcohol lift.

F is about friggin cold.  I am NOT a fan of coldness.  Have you noticed?  And I know damn well that those of you in the Midwest, Northeast, Northwest must laugh your head off at my idea of cold.  Snow seldom makes an appearance in Sonoma County but cold moist fog regularly throws a blanket over everything in sight and hooded jackets are the only way to stay warm.

G is about the ghosts of Christmas past.  All of those little kid Christmases , those young and single adult Christmases, those early married years with kids Christmases.  They are all part of memory banks now but their influence is strongly felt.

H could be a testament to the Holiday blues.  Christmas time is not always an easy time.  The expectations - whether self imposed or imposed by the culture - can be killers.  The world is supposed to be perfect at this time of year and when it proves not to be, one can be launched into the blues.  What to do?  Ride them out (or paint them).

I is for the international feeling at this time of the year.  It seems as if people all over the world have this one season in common.  I mean, there are vacation times and summer traditions everywhere but Christmastime seems to bring people together in celebration of family and community, no matter what the spiritual tradition might be.

J is for Joy to the World and all the other Christmas music.  The religious songs are ingrained in my consciousness from years and years of parochial school Christmas pageants but I do still find them touching.  It must be a cultural thing.

K is for Kermit the Frog.  Kermit is our tree topper and he always has been - since 1982.  That was the first Christmas that Michael and I celebrated together and, don't ask me how it happened, but Kermit climbed to the top of the tree and has had that honored place ever since.

L is all about lights.  As noted above, darkness is tough and the lights of the season can really warm the world up.

M ... If A was for Alex then M must be for Meggie.  Meg is now a gorgeous 24 year old and, once upon a time, she was the cutest little girl that  Santa would have encountered on his international adventure,  Meg LOVES Christmastime and she is all about the decorations, the wrapping, the music, everything.  Her enthusiasm is contagious.

N is for Noel Joseph.  Noel is my brother who was born on December 23rd about 4 years before I was born.  His birthday was always an integral part of our Christmas days and was never forgotten or glossed over.

O stands for Ontario, the city where some of my father's family lived when we were growing up.  Christmas late morning always included a drive out to see the uncles, aunts, cousins, and, until 1964, the grandmother who lived out there.

P is for presents but, if you've read this blog for very long, you know where I stand with those.  Check it out here:  http://sebtown294.blogspot.com/2011/11/how-to-make-christmas-happy.html

Q is for quiet, as in the silence during Mass on Christmas morning.  Certainly carols were sung but, as with all things church growing up, silence was critical.  I still don't know why.

R has to be about relatives.  Lord knows there are lots of them and I love them all.  As a kid, we got to see our aunts, uncles, and cousins on both sides of the family.  Nowadays, my siblings and I gather as many of our offspring together for holiday connections.  The nieces and nephews crack me up and I also learn a lot from them.  Bring 'em on!

S must be Santa, must be Santa, must be Santa Santa Claus.  What else?

T  is about time for giving thanks for all the blessings in our lives.  My family has always been wonderfully appreciative of what we have and what we can share.  Thank you's come often and are laced with hugs and kisses from all.

U is about universal peace.  Wouldn't that be nice?

V is about V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N but not in the summertime.  In the wintertime.  Vacation in winter is about staying cozy and reading and watching movies and hibernating.

W is about winter walks.  Okay, so I just said that vacation is about staying in and staying cozy but it is also about bundling up, walking in the neighborhood, seeing the warmth in the neighborhood homes and and noticing the winter starkness  taking over the autumn palette.  Beautiful.

X is about the excitement in the air.  It is palatable everywhere, particularly in the last three or four days before Christmas.  You can feel the tension, as luscious as it might be.

Y is for year as in have a happy new one.  There is something cleansing about New Year's Eve and January 1st  feels as if all is new and there is a second chance for everyone.

Z is for zero as in, that's all the letters I have left to do.  It was fun to write this and I see it as a warm up for April's A to Z Challenge.  Can't wait for April!