So the blues from yesterday are still keeping me company. They still insist that they just want to be friends. I'm not buying it. Maybe I need to buy it. Today's sky is cold gray and that gives the blues a gray tinge too. This post Christmas stretch is such a confusing time. I began to play with the season on a Saturday night in early December and had some sweet days between December 21 and 27. They were all quiet days, laced with laughter, shared chores, walks, good company, and moments of satisfying solitude.
So why is it all so confusing? I hate the commercialism and the prodding from big business to buy buy buy yet I also appreciate the pleasure in gift giving. Our young adult children did a marvelous job of thoughtful gift giving and their dad and I did too. But there is still a twinge of sadness. At what? The part of human life that is sad? For me, this seems to be a mourning period. I am sadly aware of the loss of the past, the little kids who once lived here. I am sadly aware of life when it was fresh and new, when all doors were open, when post Christmas held a promise of something vibrant and pristine. Now I feel sort of blunted, weary, if you want. I am skeptical of surprises, skeptical of promises.
Mingled with the mourning is fear - fear of the future. What tragedies are on the horizon that I can't even glimpse right now? They have to be sitting out there, watching me in my innocence and naiveté, perhaps saying to each other, "Wait til she sees what's next!". I know I am scared. Not much I can do about the future though. That is the tough part. Maybe that was something about youth. Youth thought she could make things happen. She thought she could control what was coming down the road. She thought she would stay vibrant and pristine forever. Nope. Along comes Reality and he says, "I am the boss. I will decide what's what. So hang on for the ride of your life."
I had a dream a few weeks ago where I was on a monorail type of conveyance. The train went up six different poles, each pole covered with vines. The cars circled around the pole and then came back down, over and over again six times. The dream ended just as the car was completing its sixth descent. What if each pole represents a decade of my life. There were only six poles in the dream. Maybe this dream is telling me that my days are numbered. Maybe this is my last year on the ride? Talk about scary.
Ok,first of all - dreams don't mean anything. If they did then I would be stuck up a telephone pole and a gorilla would be laughing at me. Second of all - none of us knows what tomorrow will bring, let alone the entire 2013 year. Hope and live for the best. If bad things happen then cling to your loved ones and you'll get through it. I personally think you are awesome and wish you the best year ever!
ReplyDeleteYou are too funny! Yes, I know, dreams are all about our imagination and maybe electrical impulses in the brain but hey, I have a very active imagination and a whole lot of sparks up there!
DeleteAnd, bottom line, you are right and I know that. I know if bad things happen, I will turn to those who love me and they will take care of me. I just get scared. I know, doesn't everyone?
for sure - EVERYONE gets scared! Lately I think I've developed a bit of hypochondria. I am sure I have SOMETHING. And even though I'm happily married with three awesome children, I fear dying alone. What a weirdo.
DeleteI'm with Judy-dreams don't mean anything. I have the same dream every OTHER night. I am back in the classroom with a bunch of obstreperous students, and no lesson plan. The other morning I was supposed to be teaching science! If I paid attention to dreams, I would want to get on board those poles and end it all...As it is, I just pat myself on the back and say, "Great success."
ReplyDeleteAs for the future, all you are seeing is the gray. Don't forget, there is a lot of red out there, suggesting fun, passion and life!
You know what? I was planning on starting a new painting series today. Perhaps red will be the featured color? Thanks!
DeleteThe pole ride was just a review of the past decades. You are building the poles to ride in the future.
ReplyDeleteWell, now, that's a refreshing take on this dream, Wayne. There was no evidence of poles under construction and the six poles were all lined up (2x2) but who knows? Thanks for the optimistic take on it all.
DeleteI'm with Wayne on the interpretation--and it makes sense that the next "decade" is not under construction/visible because you're at the very beginning of it. And I'm also kind of with Judy & Mark--dreams don't mean anything--what we think they mean might mean something, though...your interpretation is probably just as much an indication of your uneasiness as it is a CAUSE of your uneasiness and almost certainly more an indication of your current mental state than of some premonition. So much for my junior psychology dream analysis...
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I totally get the realization of the lack of control and I also get the way it freaks you out. I have moments where I have to remind myself that there are forces in the universe more powerful than the force of my will. This is baffling and depressing and frightening to me because for the longest time, I thought I was protecting myself and everyone around me through the sheer force of that will. You know what else that realization is though? It's freeing. I can only do what I can do. I just have to let the rest of it be. Not to say I'm always good at DOING it, but I think about it a lot. :)