Saturday, June 22, 2013

Speaking of Anger

       Last night my good friend and neighbor Lesly died.  She had been diagnosed with cancer in the fall of 2009 and lived the ups and horrible downs of life with cancer ever since.  There is a huge hole in the world this morning with Lesly's departure.  She was a smart, creative, caring, and fun person.  She leaves a beautiful family mourning her death.  Her presence in the community was quiet, helpful, and always accompanied by good wishes.  She was a highly valued employee of FedEx and the customers along her route cheered every time she returned to work after facing yet another round of chemo.  We will miss her.

    Lesly was the parent of two children.  Her insurance with FedEx paid for not only her medical care but that of her children.  She accrued retirement benefits and those should be useful for her family, right?  "Should be" - operative words.  Lesly was not married.  In fact, Lesly was legally not allowed to marry her life partner.  Even though Stacey and Lesly were committed to each other for 27 years and had two now teenaged children together, they could not legally marry.  A very practical outcome of this situation is that Stacey cannot access Lesly's retirement account.  It died along with Lesly.  Social Security benefits died with Lesly too.  That enrages me.

      I am married and have two children.  If my husband dies, I am entitled to his retirement and SS benefits. Stacey and Lesly would have been married if the love they had for each other was recognized by the state of California.  Stacey, Clare, and Ian would have at least had some kind of financial security if that marriage had been recognized.  I understand that some people hold onto a belief that marriage is a union only between a man and a woman.  Explain to me, please, how Stacey and Lesly's union cannot be recognized as the marriage that it was. Certainly people are entitled to their own beliefs and, trite as it sounds, if you don't support gay marriage then simply don't choose that option for yourself.  But it is wrong to deny benefits to couples like Stacey and Lesly simply because your religious beliefs stand in the way of such a union for you.


24 comments:

  1. I am sorry for the loss of your friend Lesly.
    Your post today is an important one. It not only sheds light on the injustice of an equal rights issue, but you also told us a personal story.
    I wonder if any one of those opposing gay marriage would oppose the marriage of Lesly and Stacey and deny them their rights, if they had personally known and loved them.
    But I suppose I am being naive in thinking that might change the minds of the severely ignorant.

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    1. Thank you, Lynda. As you well know, death is shocking and cruel. I can't believe we will not hear Lesly's voice or see her smiling face come through our gate today or any other day in the future. It is surreal to know that she is gone. I hold Stacey and just sit with the sadness. What else are you going to do?
      There is a campaign developing to shed more light on the civil rights issue. This could prove to be a test case for this injustice. I hope so.

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  2. Certainly, same-sex couples should have the same benefits as straight ones. It's an outrage to think that they have no legal rights, while someone on welfare - who had ten kids from ten different fathers - can reap every benefit avaiable. The system is horrfibly askew and always has been.
    I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend .

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    1. Thank you, Jon. Agreed, it is just plain wrong to deny people legal rights based on some religious beliefs that do not apply to all belief systems. This must change.

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  3. I am very sorry about the loss of your friend. It's really so asd, tragic, and outrageous that same-sex couples still do not have the same benefits are all couples. I realyl yope this changes soon. I consider it the great civil rights fight of our generation.

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    1. Yes, Keith, it is the latest civil rights battle that needs to be taken care of. Putting real human, neighborly faces on it might make a difference.

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  4. This breaks my heart: the thought of not only losing a partner but a safety net as well. I just hope that I am right in thinking that this time of injustice is soon coming to an end.

    Unbearably, it will already be too late for Stacey, Clare, and Ian.

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    1. I hope so too. As for Stacey, Clare, and Ian, there is A LOT of pressure being put on FedEx right now to do the right thing. We'll see.

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  5. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

    Don't even get me started on this. Why anyone in this day and age...? Grrr.

    I saw the greatest photo on the internet a while back:
    http://www.sodahead.com/living/is-the-arguments-over-gay-marriage-a-re-run-of-the-same-arguments-over-interracial-marriage/question-3444155/comment-101438525/

    (Sorry for the link, but it would take too long to explain.) I can't find the original image, but I loved this.

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    1. I found it! Agreed. Interracial marriage is not uncommon now. In forty years, let's hope the same exists for gay marriage. Why shouldn't it?

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  6. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. As for her partner not having the rights an opposite sex partner would, I just get angry and sad when I think about it.

    A beautiful tribute - well done.

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    1. Thanks, Margi. If enough people get angry, then maybe something will change.

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  7. I am so very sorry about your loss. I don't get the whole same sex kerfluffle, I really don't. Even though the thought of two dudes canoodling skeeves me, that's my problem. NO WAY should people who love each be denied a chance to marry. It just isn't right.

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    1. Exactly my point, Al. Thanks for stopping by. :)

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  8. Lovely piece. We need more people like you that since the love between two people, and not paying attention to what's simply between their legs. It's sickening that after being in a committed relationship (longer than many heterosexual relationships, i might add) FedEx won't allow Stacy and the children to use the benefits. Unfortunaly this isn't the only company with this policy but I pray that someday it will change. What can we do to make it change?

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    1. Good question, Meg. I think speaking up about the situation is one way to effect change. Don't be afraid to make your opinion known as your voice both supports those who are being unfairly treated as well as sends a message to those who think the system works the way it is.

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  9. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. I know that this isn't the time, but if your friend Stacy would like to talk about her loss on my blog in the future, I would be honored to hear and share her story.

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    1. Stacey is smart and articulate. When the time is right, I will ask her about it. Her story is especially poignant, given their outlaw (or sorts) status.

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  10. Chemo and cancer is a horrible way to go, I am sorry for her suffering and your loss and your friend's loss. Why heterosexual marriage is so sacrosanct with its OVER 50% failure rate is beyond me! Sorry your friends couldn't be married and sorry we have such a horrible medical system in this country. It will change for sure, but why not now?

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    1. Yes, it is a horrible way to go. The thing is, when the journey starts you never know the outcome. I'm not sure I would even start down the road.
      And, yes, why not now?

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  11. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend.

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  12. The loss of your friend and her family's loss are a sad thing, and the unfairness of the very real financial deprivations her family will face because of discriminatory beliefs/laws are an added insult. Yesterday's Supreme Court decisions are surely a turning point--but as you point out (and as we have both talked about before), it's absurd and cruel that these discriminations have taken such a toll on so many for so long.

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    1. Well said, MM. I can add no more. Thanks for the comment.

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