I love being a life long learner. And the lessons are so all over the place. Here's a subject that I am finally getting around to really studying. I don't want to take the final exam but I am curious to see how I would do with it.
The subject is anger. I grew up pulling anger out of my pocket every couple of weeks when the nuns would drag us over to the church on Friday afternoons for confession. It was my "go to" sin. I could always count on having at least three or four episodes of anger that I could point to and claim as my sins for the week. Anger was a bad thing. NOT okay to be angry. And I was always angry. Angry at my mom for making me do chores. Angry at Mark the Park for calling me Dog. Angry at my sister for messing with my stuff. Angry at the other kids at school because they had nice stuff and I didn't. Angry at the stupid priest (horrors!) for embarrassing me because the car pool made me late for the required attendance at morning Mass. Angry at having to go to Mass. Angry at having to go to school. Angry angry angry.
And here is the unbelievable part. I never lost that piece that says anger is bad. I spent much of my life yelling at myself for being angry. Bad person. Get rid of that anger and do it right now. You have no right to be angry. Get rid of it, I said! NOW! Guess what? I am only now learning that anger is really NOT a bad thing. Anger is a feeling and it just is. Sure, you might do something when angry that could be harmful or mean but anger, in and of itself, is not bad. What a revelation. Amazing.
So what I am learning now is that it's okay to make a place for anger in my world. I can feel angry and notice where I feel it. I can observe anger and maybe paint or write about it (or not). Then I can decide what, if anything, I want to do about it. But the big lesson here is that anger is not the bad guy. And I am not the bad person for feeling anger. This is all new to me, folks. I am not sure how this new knowledge is going to play out in my days but I am curious to find out.
How about you? Are you comfortable making a place for anger in your world?
Very thought provoking.
ReplyDeleteI mostly let my anger out in the car, when nobody else is around, through a series of dismissive (and sometimes, yeah, swear-filled) comments about people around me. Mostly people who do left turns in front of me.
In all seriousness: I try to see the humor in situations and defuse any anger I feel about it. You could be upset or sad or angry about almost anything in life and spend a lot of time miserable. I used to be like that. Then I decided to try to flip it around and I felt a lot better. So now I try to deal with upsetting situations via humor, rather than anger.
Oh yeah! Swearing is awesome! But you have to careful lest the wrong people hear that stuff!
DeleteI do employ humor as often as possible. For awhile there, all of life was heavy and dark. I am learning to go with lighter now and humor makes all the difference. It's hard to pull it off, though, when you are using all your energy to push anger off the stage.
What I am getting now is that - SHOCKER! - it's actually okay to feel anger. Just observe it. Just notice it. It doesn't have to be justified. It just is.
Now THAT'S a new idea to me.
Nothing "wrong" with anger; it's how you deal with it. And we did not have the best role model for that, growing up.
ReplyDeleteAnd that is the remarkable thing to me. We grew up knowing that anger was a sin and so, oh boy, was I in trouble.
DeleteAnd you know I see Robert in myself all the time - his explosive anger was ingrained in me. It scared me a lot as a kid and so I tried to not let that happen to my kids. Instead they got the person who shoved anger aside and resented so much. Bah humbug!
I think anger is an important part of who we are, as long as we can contain it (unlike the Hulk who has real anger issues).
ReplyDeleteBy the way, my "go to" sin for confession for years was disrespecting my parents. Then, it went to unclean thoughts. Then, just for the goof, it went to adultery. Followed by silence and a huge thud as the priest passed out and fell off his bench.
And one thousand Rosaries.
Somehow, though, they always knew it was "that Penwasser kid."
You are hysterical! I put the whole confession thing up on a high shelf in my mind when I turned 18 - thereby avoiding a whole lot of confessing!
DeleteAnd I was always "that O'Neill girl" - no one bothered to know your first name. But I was distinguished by the fact that i was the girl and almost al the rest were boys.
Confession? Ha..........And the word was "impure..." as in impure thoughts. I was so far out of the confessional stage, by the time I actually had something to confess, it's comical!
DeleteI try to be very cognizant of anger when I feel it so that I am always in control of it. I don't think it's necessarily an unhealthy emotion as long as we can channel it.
ReplyDeleteChannel it, move it in a way that will open new doors - that's what I'm thinking.
DeleteConfession. Wow. I haven't been to confession since... Right, since I stopped being Catholic. Not that I ever was a good Catholic.
ReplyDeleteWhenever I get angry, I try to figure out the underlying fear that motivated it. Because every instance of anger comes from some fear that I might not want to own. When I figure out the fear, then the anger dissipates.
Good point, Liz - anger has to be driven by something. Worth checking out the root of anger.
DeleteThis subject is much too personally complicated to succinctly explain how I feel about it here. But I will just say, I understand how you feel. Dealing with it the way you describe is an option I may want to consider.
ReplyDeleteI thought you might, Lynda. It is kind of interesting and revealing to make a place for anger in my life.
Delete"Here, anger, come and sit down on the bench with me for awhile. Let's chat. Tell me your story and I will tell you mine." Interesting concept.
The problem with anger is that it is not very productive.
ReplyDeleteI am a guy and have had my share of bar room fights so you learn to duck and avoid getting hurt. That's the main thing, avoid the pain.
I beg to differ on this point, Jerry: anger CAN be productive. If it pushes me into gear to change something that needs to be changed, then yay for anger. Avoid the pain? Yes, I get that but pain is just there and it will leave too but sometimes pain just brings forth some new goodness. Hard to believe, I know.
DeleteAt the risk of sounding foofy and metaphysical, I find anger cleansing. Well, it's cleansing after the fact. Initially, it's debilitating. It can be very productive when you accept and channel it. I go hiking, do yoga, or take a nap. :)
ReplyDeleteI like it when people sound foofy and metaphysical! Cool place to visit sometimes!
DeleteAnger can be debilitating but , yes, I get that cleansing idea. It can blow out a bunch of sticky, messy detritus and leave room for new, fresh ideas.
Probably due to my utter lack of religious training as a child, I've never really seen anger as sinful. But I've definitely seen anger--my own and other people's--as terrifying and I've seen the sometimes dire consequences of unchecked anger and even rage (my own and other people's). I've spent most of my adult life learning to deal with my anger in healthier, less impulsive ways and have finally come to see it in much the same way you have. It is a feeling, it is there. Like all feelings, sometimes it is more justified than others. Unjustified anger can be reasoned away; justified anger can be a great motivating factor to precipitate necessary changes in life. Even, perhaps especially, if the person you are angry at is yourself. Thanks for another thought-provoking post, Gracie!
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome, MM! These kind of posts help me make sense of the world. They take the conversations that happen between me and me and make them real.
DeleteAnger at oneself. Now there's a whole new post waiting to be written.....