I had a dream the other night which engages me on several levels. In the dream I am at a medical facility. There is a group of 6 or 8 doctor types gathered around me. They are telling me that they need to do some kind of highly invasive procedure that will be quite painful. They tell me that there is no guarantee that they will be able to gather any useful information but they MIGHT get some answers to some questions they have. They want me to sign the paper so they can go ahead with this. I very calmly look at them and tell them no. No, I don't want that procedure. What? They are aghast! What do you mean no? This is what we have to do in order to attempt to fix you. You will have to submit to this procedure or we can not help you any more. You might die. Okay then, I say calmly. So be it.
Weird, heh? I like that I say no in the dream. I like that I make the decision for myself. No one is going to railroad me into something that doesn't work for me. I suppose I could be seen as foolish. After all, they are trying to "fix" me. I should comply with them. But I am not interested in the painful, invasive procedure. Not if there isn't a payoff. I don't like their attitude. It is as if they know what's best for me and I should take their word for it. Guess what, peeps? I am the only expert on me.
I suppose part of this dream might stem from the sadness and frustration I feel about my friend Lesly's recent death. Lesly and her family fought with cancer for over three years. If she had known from the start how this was going to end, would they have fought the battle so long? The last six months were especially difficult, fighting always for some, if not improvement, at least pause in the cancer's progression. Such a hard time and yet the ending came anyway. Far too soon. Who knows what avenue I would take in a similar situation but I wonder if I would carry on as long as Lesly did.
I don't think I would want it protracted out that long...but each and every case is it's own of course.
ReplyDeleteYes and I don't suppose you can ever know what your decision would be until you were in that situation.
DeleteWhat does it mean to "fight" cancer? I've always wondered about that. Taking advantage of EVERY medical option? Eating the anti-cancer diet? Keeping a positive attitude? Appreciating every single day? Living fully NOW, realizing sooner or later, something will get me. Is that a fight, or surrender, or acceptance?
ReplyDeleteI wonder about that too. That expression falls off the fingers so easily b/c it does seem like, in the thick of chemo and MRI's and weakness and memory loss, it is a battle. I think, until there is some visible indication that something is getting me, I see it all as life and living fully now. If and when the time comes when something is showing its presence , then it becomes a battle.
DeleteI'll bet that dream had a LOT to do with Lesly. If I have to suffer to get a few more months of life, I don't think (no, I KNOW) it's not worth it. Because, despite your dream doctors warning that you "might" die, we all WILL die.
ReplyDeleteAsk me when I'm just about to kick off and I may have a different answer, but I'm really curious what awaits after all is said and done.
We all will die. I get that and , frankly, the older I get the more I am absolutely okay with that. I am okay with my own death. I am so not okay with losing friends and family to death. I am curios too.
DeleteI'm sorry about your friend. There's never any answers with something like that. Just more questions, which is just painful.
ReplyDeleteKeep saying no as much as you like :)
I am flabbergasted, at times, to realize that I really have that option. I get to decide those things but it is only recently that I have come to see that. Odd, I know.
DeleteAnd, as far as I can tell, I will always have questions because so many of my questions do not come with ready answers. At least not answers that I accept.
My son fought for every minute right up until the end. He didn’t want to go. He didn’t want to leave that little boy, his son.
ReplyDeleteDo you often say no?
I thought about you, Lynda, when I wrote this. Yes, Joe fought every minute and he had a tiny baby son to hold onto. I would not have wanted to leave my little boy either.
DeleteI don't often say no and, when I do, I pay for it in guilt. Not fun.
Dreams can mean what you think they mean. That's why they're your dreams.
ReplyDeleteDreams fascinate me and I think, knowing what I do from our conversations on this little flickering screen, that putting your foot down and standing up for yourself even in a dream is pretty dramatic for you. I like what you said in your reply above about being flabbergasted at having that option...I think women in general often struggle with exercising that option even once they recognize it exists.
ReplyDeleteAs for the other aspect of this post--about how long and hard you would fight what seems like an inevitable end/outcome and at what cost--that's one of those central life questions, I think. I still have some questions and doubts surrounding my mother's death because at the time (nearly 19 years ago), we were told/assumed that the recurrence of cancer that killed her within weeks had gone undetected for over a year but in the many years since, I've come to wonder whether she knew about the recurrence at least nine months, perhaps longer, and did not tell any of us, but made the decision to live as well/normally as she could despite the fact that it would likely foreshorten her life dramatically.