I have always defined myself, in part, by my place in my family. I am the fifth child in a family of nine siblings and the first daughter of two daughters. My sister is the eighth child in the family and we are separated by 7 years. Our parents were married at the close of WW2 and we grew up under the strong influence of the Catholic Church. Our parents remained married until my dad's death in 1996 so there were no step siblings or half siblings involved in my life.
My sibs shaped who I am in ways that I can only imagine. I know their impact on who I am today was huge and, frankly, they remain the most influential people in my life. They matter to me. Growing up, I counted on them for companionship, for guidance, for goofiness, for friendship. Who they are now and the struggles and joys of their lives today matter to me a great deal.
My sister, who shares my outlook on family, gave me this book for my birthday and I found it to be an absorbing read. Really, there were no surprises in it but it was enjoyable to read and to relate to the families referenced. The author, Jeffrey Kluger, grew up as the second child in a family of four boys (which later expanded to include two half siblings and a step sibling). His childhood seemed so much more tumultuous than mine but his observations and documentation of siblings, in general, are interesting to me. Chapters include discussions of birth order, how families change (the family I was born into is not the same family that my oldest brother, my youngest brother, or my sister, or any of my siblings were born into),
the presence and consequences of favoritism in families, siblings raising siblings, and the ties that bind siblings during the adult years.
I know my brothers and sister would agree that we were fortunate to have each other. There was support, comfort, and companionship in numbers. I know that there were times when we each "got lost in the shuffle" and I suspect that the sheer volume of noise and personalities overwhelmed me and at least some, if not all, of my sibs (not to mention the 'rents). It was easy to be overlooked and to stay quiet to avoid being seen when you didn't want to be seen. It was also easy to hide in the shadow of a sibling or to delight in the friendship of a sibling.
My siblings are the people who have known me the longest. They grew up with me, through little kidhood, adolescence, marriages, child rearing, and who will continue to stand with me at funerals until, sadly, there is only one standing. We watched each other make choices in life and play them out. I suspect one of the surprises of my later life might be the connections I continue to grow with my brothers and my sister.
As I noted, Mr. Kluger's book doesn't really hold new information for me. I've lived his book and maybe that's why I found it interesting. Maybe you will too.
I think the bond between siblings is truly amazing. I am the middle of five. I don't live by any of them anymore and see them only occasionally due to distance, time and $. But I know, without doubt, that each of us is there for the other and would drop everything if we needed something. I feel really blessed. I bet you do too :)
ReplyDeleteWithout a doubt I do! One of my older brothers (not Mark, a different brother - Noel) posted something on FB the other night in which he listed his family of sibs right up there with the things for which he is most grateful. It is everywhere in my family.
DeleteEasy to stay overlooked and quiet? How about easy to be overlooked and clamoring for attention? Just asking...since I had three older bros and three that were younger, and of course, two little sistahs, that would reflect my take on a passel of siblings. To this day, the thing I hate the most is to be by myself. Could that be because there is no one from whom I can get attention?
ReplyDeleteYes, it was certainly easy to be overlooked. As in, really? was anyone seen? It's funny that you remember yourself as clamoring for attention. That's not how I remember it but I was younger and admired you a lot. You always seemed to have it all - you were cool, smart, funny, and way good at baseball. I stayed quiet and watched. And wondered how I could be you (or Brian).
DeleteI was the middle of five, like Judy, and felt quite close to all my siblings growing up. I've grown apart from all but the brother closest to me in age. I'm on speaking terms with the rest, except for my sister, but they have let me down when it came to the care of our parents. They all live in other states, while Mom lives near me.
ReplyDeleteNow that only my mother survives, the siblings don't help much, some not at all, not even with a phone call to Mom. My sister lies to me so often that I've had to break off contact to save myself. I do hope for reconciliation someday, even though the chances are slim. As close as we all were as kids, I never would have believed such estrangement could happen. Whew-- guess I vented a bit there!
I'm sorry things are like that in your family. In this book, he writes about the varying degrees of closeness among adult siblings -- also, the strain that caring for elderly parents can bring to sibs. I know that I am lucky because we even share the care of my mom - some of the sibs have been more involved than others but all are present as best as they can be.
DeleteI'm glad you vented! Sometimes that's what blog friends are for!
Thanks-- without my blog friends I'd be sunk! And it was sweet to hear that in some families, the siblings ARE each others' stalwarts. That's how I always pictured it for our family, and it has been a big adjustment to try not to expect, well, anything. I have had to learn to look elsewhere for support. Hmm. Blog post brewing in there!
ReplyDeleteI've been ruminating a lot over the whole expectations thing. I would love to see what you have to say.
DeleteWow, I might certainly have a lot to say about this subject. I do believe that occurrences of sibling rivalry is somewhat normal. But in the case of my sisters and brothers, I think it was actually fostered and promoted by my mother. Perhaps it was her way of dealing with 6 kids, you know divide and conquer.
ReplyDeleteShe practiced all of the no-no's. Comparing one to the other. Naming who was the prettiest, smartest, nicest and who wasn't.
Then in our adult years, depending on who did what for her lately, she would claim a favorite and also decide who was on her s..t list.
We would joke with each other. "So where are you on the list this week?"
I learned a lot from her and made a conscious effort to not behave the same
way with my children.
I do feel that is why the six of us are not as close as I would like us to be. But on the other hand we are not estranged either and do have cordial relationships.
Although my turkey would probably come out much better than her's, we are going to my sis's for Thanksgiving :)
JUST KIDDING. Her turkey is going to be delish...just not as moist as mine would have been. :)
Wow! Such a contrast to what happened at our house. There were few overt comparisons but we still saw stuff that might have pointed at favorites. Favorites can exist in a family but the trick is that it can't be obvious to anyone. Neither of my parents would have announced a favorite but there were indications. The thing is that the favorite was not a permanent position and I don't think any of us was terribly hurt by that - it just wasn't a driving force at all. I still joke with my sibs about my mother's current list. I always believe I am at the bottom -- for lots of reasons -- but I don't really think the bottom of the list is all that far away from the top of the list. It is a very compressed list! So it's all good.
DeleteYou are too funny with the ending comments!
I am the oldest of three girls, and we fought like wild cats when we were young. I never would have thought we'd become adults and best friends, but we have. When I imagine being an old lady, my sisters are old ladies next to me. What I've learned in life is things change but my sisters stay with me always. Thank God.
ReplyDeleteI've added this book to my list. You're privy to at least one of my sibling issues. I've actually been working on an essay about that relationship/issue and really been thinking about how our "assigned" (whether intentionally or not--and I mostly think not) roles within the family as the "smart one" and the "pretty one" may have contributed to the dynamic that allowed the things to happen the way they did. I was planning on picking up something on the sibling topic for research purposes anyway. Like you said, there are probably not a lot of surprises here, but sometimes a new way of putting an old thought can feel like a revelation. Lord knows I could use all the revelations I can get--both in the essay and in real life. :)
ReplyDeleteI gave the book back to my sister or I would send you my copy! The book does take a researcher's look at lots of sibling issues - can't wait to read your essay!
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