Saturday, October 31, 2009

I Am Alive

I am alive.  That's a theme I return to over and over.  It started less than a year ago, this wanting to KNOW I was alive.  A trip to Hawaii in April was the first visible manifestation of this need for proof that I was, in fact, alive. Fun somehow entered my consciousness bigtime and I saw examples all around me of life with and without fun.  A month or so later, my long anticipated first trip to New York City made me KNOW I was alive,  My eyes were wide open and everything was unbelievable.  People watching was incredible, walking in the places I have read about for years, fantastic -- in short, I resonated with the energy that is NYC and I knew I was alive.  A few weeks later, I traveled once again to Washington DC with 40 8th graders and four fantastic adult chaperones.  Like NYC, Washington DC feeds my desire for excitement and adventure - people watching, stepping in world known places, laughing and singing and getting such a kick out of other people -- ALIVE!  I spent a week alone in the lovely and lonely Ft Bragg.  I had a simple and clean room on the beach and was given unheard of summer weather for FB - sunny, warm, Hawaii style weather.  I had time to feel myself alone and alive,  Actually, it was the first time in more than 25 years that I had the chance to be alive alone. A few weeks after that, I got to visit Boston!  Wow!  What an experience!  Famous places, interesting people, fantastic hostess, good time, ALIVE times. Throughout the summer, I took long and fast bike rides.  Intense moments of exhausting climbs uphill followed by soaring flights downhill -ipod music filling my head,  incredibly alive. I drank wine with friends and laughed, loved, hurt, cried, played out philosophic points, and lived the days.   In late August, I found out for sure that I was alive when that fast bike was moving relatively slowly through Sebtown traffic and I was slammed by a truck.  In the moments, hours, weeks, and yes, months that followed I knew I was physically and emotionally alive. That proof I needed had been provided for me and the test came in that bike accident.  The first serious medical issue of my life, the accident was an intense experience, the whole thing.   ALIVE in every bone, broken or not.  ALIVE in every relationship and in every experience.   Released from old patterns and open in every moment.  Discovering that physical life is too short for the serious and  negative.  Too short to be lived without love and laugher, speed and stillness. I know I am alive now.  How can I not forget?

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