To follow yesterday's post of things I've never done, I decided to make a list of some things I HAVE done. Just for fun. But it actually turned into not fun as I came to see that the things I celebrate about myself were largely accomplished in the earlier years of my life. Sadness reigns.
It's not that I haven't done anything interesting over the past 30 years . It's more that life after marriage became an accumulation of minutes and hours that then turned into years. There is a line from Ralph Waldo Emerson that reflects this: "The years teach much that the days never know". That pretty much says it all. The moments in my life turned two infants into responsible, thoughtful adults. The hours sustained a marriage through challenging times. The days found me serving families in my community, teaching 5 year olds to read and guiding middle school families through rough days. It was all moments, hours, days, and weeks turned into a life.
I am ready for some changes. But change is scary. I actually like change but I am also a person who appears to need security. Much as I might like to leave my job and start over in some other work, I can't push myself to abandon the paycheck and the health benefits. Much as I might like to sell the house and start over in some other geographic location, I can't get myself to give up the house and the financial investment.
I like novelty. I like change. But my feet are stuck in the mud. Damn!
I know how you feel; I felt very much that my life had settled into a routine of work and tv.
ReplyDeleteBut this year it was like I woke up again; I've moved house, had a baby, scrapped a car, bought a newer car, been published and been more productive with my writing than ever before!
Whatever you choose to do, I hope you find that refreshed feeling. (I often find that simply rearranging the furniture works wonders.)
After the experiences of the last couple of years, I am quite content to have things stay still for a while. But, I have to admit I do experience restless feet every now and again.
ReplyDeleteSo much self-examination! Why are you so hard on yourself? Just asking.
ReplyDeleteAs I may have mentioned here or elsewhere, I am terrified of change--even change that would undoubtedly be good and healthy. You would think that my awareness and acknowledgement of this issue would help ease the fear a little, but...no so far.
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