People Don't Last

Why is it that it is in death that you really get to know a person?  Why is it that death allows you to see all that a person was, all that they gave to you and to the world? People don't last and when they leave you know what you have lost.
Frank was a funny guy who made people laugh.  He was passionate and thoughtful. He cared more than was perhaps healthy for the Earth and for the environment.  His passion was his life and he used his intelligence, his sense of humor, his ability to articulate and think on his feet to convey his beliefs.  And he was able to convert people to his way of life through his humor, his passion, his knowledge, and his spark.  He made everyone he encountered want to be a better person.
I have been reading the many tributes to him on the obit website.  I am blown away by how many people talk about having dinners with him , visiting his model home, being affected by him.  I knew he had changed the world one person at a time but his impact is dramatic.  I want to live a life as rich and as full of impact as his life was.
I want to be a better person because Frank lived in my time.

Wanting is Unclear

I can rarely put my finger on what I want. Or I think I know what I want but the path is too long or too complicated. But it is also simple.   What I want is balance. Simple, yes? But no, not really. There is too much that I want to do and some desires contradict other desires.  I want to be physically active, I want to be still. I want to embrace friendships and laugher and be open to people.  I want to be alone and embrace solitude. I want to eat well -- healthy, simple choices.  No contradictions there.  I want to paint and to photograph and to do something with that artwork. Again, no contradictions there.  I want to thrive in my work and enjoy the many aspects of it without being overwhelmed by it.  I want to travel to new places, have adventures, take in the world and be a part of it all.  I want to cocoon at home and make my world small and tight.
I want too much.

Every Now and Then

 "Every now and the I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by."  Okay so I didn't write those words and Bonnie Tyler sang them but I sing them too.  Sad to say, I sing them often.  I do feel as if, in many ways, the best of all the years have gone by.  The years when doors were open, skin was soft, and surprises where there for the choosing.  Those were exciting times, what will come next times, who will enter my life times. Skinny days and agile, energetic days, sensual tip toe days.  I know, I know, I can still have adventures and doors can still open but it isn't the same.  I know, I know, get over it.  There's nothing you can do about it except embrace change.  I know, I know, sensuality can still be there, and tip toe days too - but it's not the same.  So how can you fool yourself into thinking that you are still young and fresh and people still notice you?  

Faking It

Fake it until you make it. Agree or disagree?
Attitude is everything.  If the attitude I am carrying that day is not positive, cheerful, open then maybe I do have to fake the attitude until it becomes genuine.  It does take a ton of energy to fake something but it can pay off.  I learned while waitressing years ago that tips were good when I was cheerful and friendly.  And, just as  importantly, work was more fun when I was cheerful and friendly.  I would come in for the evening shift cranky or annoyed about something and know that I could not approach tables like that.  So I would paste that smile on and get out there and, before the first hour of my shift was up, the smile had become genuine, my evening was improving, and the tips were good.  Lesson learned?  Put the smile on, suck it up, and get out there and hustle.  Hmmmm... is that pretending to be something you are not?  What about
faking friendship or romantic interest until it is genuine? That I don't think you can really do.  You might THINK you are faking it, but truth is bigger than the act.  Or maybe the act WAS the truth?