Skin Over Bone

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop. ee cummings

       Before you can fight that battle, you have to know for whom you are fighting.  How do you separate yourself from everybody else?  How can you be certain that "yourself" has separated from everybody else?  And isn't later adulthood a bit late to be asking these questions?

      

I think I might have forgotten me.  

I moved on and left me behind? 

Or maybe I dropped me and

am refusing to deal with the pieces?  

I am trudging in some random direction.  

Navigating fear, or dodging its presence.

I don't see how I am going to come out all right,

whatever that might be 

and whomever I might be.

Choosing escape.

Choosing solitude.

Masks over masks over skin over bone over me

"We have plenty of time to fuck our lives up."

I hope this is true.  

Passion, Adventure and A Little Weirdness

The days are all the same.
Maybe that's how it is when you get past the surprises of life.  Some people insist that there are still surprises.  I guess there are but so much is already determined.  Your work life is set, unless you are downsized out of the job.  Your marriage is set or, at least you are supposed to be working toward that.  Your children are grown and their surprises are all their own now.  Sure, there are health surprises but they come along every few years and then you settle back down again.  Routine. And you dream about passion, adventure, and a little weirdness.

Pretty Lies

Feeling the warm sun on a random February day - all I wanted to do was breathe in the moment.  And hold on to it.  Wrap myself in that hour and pause life.  Make the out of control merry-go-round stop spinning.  Breathe and feel warmth, feel connection, disappear and yet be seen.  

It is what it is.  A story captivates me.  I am curious.  What drives the story now?  How was it shaped back then?   How are the story elements fused and blended?  Somehow I know I have things to learn from the story.

And so I wait.  Wait for more time.  Wait for more tension.  Wait for trust, connection, and surprises.

Curiosity must be patient.

January

Sinking down
January works it spell
or maybe it is life working spells
everything changes
what next?

Cliche of the Day

     The cliche of the day is the one about choices:  life is one choice after another.  It's all choices, whether you acknowledge it or not.  The tough thing about choices is that you never can predict the outcome.  You have to trust yourself and trust something unknown that all will be well.  There are the little choices.  Do I read or do I go out and do yard work?  Do I let the dogs in or let them stay out?  Do I have a cookie for breakfast or not?  There are the medium choices.  Do I spend money on a trip to Ireland or do I save the money to help pay for college expenses?  Do I get a mammogram this year or skip it?  Do I agree to edit the yearbook again this year or decline?  And, of course, there are the BIG decisions/choices.  Work or graduate school?  Marry this man or not?  Move to another part of the country or stay put?
     Funny thing is , even those little choices can get you. Surprises do happen.  Choices made that then led to the unexpected.  I chose to take a bike ride one afternoon and ended up with broken bones.  I went out to have lunch with my aunt one afternoon 35 years ago and ended up with a job teaching 8th grade.  I registered for a class one semester at SJSU and ended up getting divorced.  Go figure.
    And the big ones?  You do the best you can with the information that you have.  You make the choice and ride it out, never really knowing the outcome of any different options.   You made a choice and life unfolded.  And, still, surprises do happen.  Maybe even more so with the big choices.  And maybe all you can do is live and wait and be willing to be surprised.

The Long January

       It's an odd feeling.  It's January and I am not cranky.  I am not lost looking for springtime.  Yes, I am looking forward to the warmer days but I am oddly happy with the moment.  Strange place to find myself in January.  Historically, my January has been nothing but grey and damp and endless. Yet right now we are not even one third of the way through and yet I am not impatient with time.  Very odd.

       What's different?  I can't say.  I am happy with my work.  Busy and productive days connecting with kids and working toward necessary changes.  I am happy at home.  I look forward to weekends and naps and walks.  I look forward to evenings on the couch with Michael and Ellie and crosswords and Weeds and  soup and toast for dinner.  How can this be so different from past years when I slept January away?  When I pined desperately for springtime?  I am holding every day close and being glad for the days that I have, whenever they happen.  No more questions.

1/1/11

Yikes!  Look at all those ones!
We are at the beginning of something.
A race?
 No, not a race.
Just the beginning.
or maybe not?
Maybe just the same old life, only the next chapter?
But, wait!  Then this IS the beginning,
the beginning of a new piece.
So is every day.
So is every moment.

Christmas Eve

December 24th is magical.  There is no day that quite lives up to this one.  The feeling is universal on Christmas Eve.  Anticipation trumps chores and expectation is king.  Maybe it's residual little kid stuff because, after all, children hold this day as sacred.  Miracles happen on Christmas Eve.  The jolly fat man flies through the air and delivers toys and candy.  Lightness wipes darkness away for the day and people smile as if they mean it.  All is good in the world.  Why can't it be Christmas Eve all year long?

Keep It Simple

     What's up with this Christmas bah humbug?  I just want to keep it very simple - There is value and good stuff in the holiday but it can seem like so much work.  My ideal Christmas would be one of two scenarios.  The easier scenario is to leave town - go to the beach somewhere and pause for two weeks -- and then come back to January's stillness.
     The more difficult to orchestrate is to stay in town and take it down so many notches.  No need for a Christmas tree - what is that about anyway?  You go out and get a tree or a part of a tree and then you set that in your living room and put lights on it - huh?  How about a few pretty lights here and there - that's okay but scratch the "Christmas tree"  - don't get that.
     And these presents?  These guys don't need anything and most people in my world are trying to scale down on "things" - yet I go out looking for more things to spend hard earned money on.  Then I take precious time to put funky paper and ribbon on them so that other people can act surprised and take the paper off.  Really?
     And then there is the food thing - ugh.  No one needs all that sugar and fat - I don't even want any around.  I don't want to bother with cooking anything - can I just have pb on ww toast. please?  And, for a change, can we go out?

     My ideal Christamas holiday time would be some hikes or, if it is raining, a movie or two.  I would like to paint and to read, maybe futz in the yard, take a bike ride or a walk with the dogs.  I do enjoy hanging out with friends and family.  I enjoy that a lot - but no strings, please.  No expectations - no find a gift or get a gift or clean up the house or get dressed up.  Just keep it simple.

Oh Tannenbaum

December catches all
days.
Bright and gray
damp fog
fills the mornings,
erases the fall trees
paints  the road wet
changes fall into bare winter.
Orange and yellow
turn to
red and green,
turn to
sparkles and metal,
starlight  and moonlight,
heat turns to ice.

Carols and drums and wind at the door
jingle bells
welcome the
Christmas tree.

Santa Claus is

coming to town.