What's up with Real, anyway? The word keeps coming back to me and I am trying to get a grip on what it means.
It's confusing for me because it's tough to sort out what is Real and what is being civil and decent. I am proud of the fact that I learned early in life how to behave. I learned when to talk and when to be silent. I learned when laughter was appropriate and for what occasions tears were appropriate. I learned how to be respectful and aware of the feelings of others. I learned how one should appear in public and how to comport oneself in the privacy of one's own home. I learned that behavior is important no matter where you are.
I am proud that I am a dependable, hard working, conscientious employee. No slacker there. I am a responsible parent who did all those things you are supposed to do when raising children. I read nightly to them, I cuddled them, I listened to them, I disciplined them, I took them to the doctor and the dentist and all that stuff. I stay married to their dad. I have always been a person who attempted to be cheerful and kind in every encounter. I didn't always succeed but I gave it my finest effort.
All of these qualities make for a cordial, respectful, decent human being, right? But now I am listening to those who know these things and I am hearing: Be Real. Somehow and in some situations that seems to contradict civility? Question mark intended.
They are saying that masks happen when Real goes away. But aren't masks then necessary for the overall good of the community? Isn't it essential that you put a lid on some of what you are thinking and saying lest the community be damaged? And what about being a bitch? I have a couple of coworkers with whom it is very difficult to get along. One woman is cranky pretty much 24/7. One guy is so self centered and moody that I cringe when I see him coming my way. Both of these people might be Real but really? Really they are royal pains and I do not like working with them. I don't ever want to be like that.
Even in my home life, I want to be cordial and I want to be treated with civility. That does not mean there cannot be disagreements but it does mean that words are chosen carefully and consequences of words and actions are considered. I don't know. It is so confusing to me. I know how I was raised and it seems to have paid off in professional success and in abundant friendships. But something appears to be backfiring and I am being asked to consider making my own rules. I am being asked to be more Real. How do you be more Real?
I know what you mean. Lately you also hear words like organic and authentic. I think I kind of get it though. I am sure you are civil and pleasant to the bitchy woman and the egomaniac. But wouldn't you just love, civilly of course, to let them know how you really feel about them, just once?
ReplyDeleteHaven't you had that confrontation, cordially of course, in your head at least once?
But I suspect that you, in addition to being a pleasant and respectful human being, you are also understanding and compassionate.
I am going to try yet once again to blog everyday this month and will be following the theme of masks. Little by little perhaps I will learn something about myself as I slowly take mine off.
Yes! Authentic - that's another word that gets tossed at me. I am a compassionate person but I am unclear about this notion of Real -- how do they walk holding hands? or can they?
DeleteI think I'm going through a mid-life questioning of who am I, really? I think it's hard to tell who we really are, especially if we behave differently with different groups of people. I think I'm fairly consistent in my behavior, but this causes me a fair amount of tension with certain people. I think my cats see the real me:)
ReplyDeleteI don't know who (if anyone) sees the real me. I don't even think I see the real me.
DeleteI think sometimes people confuse being "real" with being uncensored and rude and mean. I think being real just means being true to yourself. And you can definitely do that without demeaning other people. You seem very real to me :)
ReplyDeleteBut that's the dilemma, Judy - I never want to be seen as rude or mean but sometimes I do blow my stack (so to speak) and then spend hours blasting myself. I don't get it.
DeleteGreat subject! I think there are instances when learning "how to behave" early in one's life can hamper the overall growth process. The risk is that in behaving in ways we are "supposed to" we may be conditioned to ignore deeper and more authentic impulses that beckon within. I'm not sure the problem is with wearing masks or assuming various roles--that can be creative and fulfilling--as long as we're not hung-up on them. To me the real threat is not having enough masks to choose from, or worse, getting stuck on the ones we're wearing and actually assuming I AM THIS STUPID MASK. Real excitement and joy comes when we don't just blindly accept the handed-down masks from society but learn to create them ourselves--out of the original, authentic impulses of the creative unconscious. Most interesting of all, at least for me, is the exploration of that mystery which lies below all the masks and roles we temporarily assume--what's below the surface in terms of all this commotion & drama we experience as "life?"
ReplyDeleteBut, Tom, how do you do that? How do you determine which masks are the handed down ones and which ones are self created? And how do you figure out what the hell is under that commotion and drama that you live every day? Hmmmmm - that will be an interesting conversation, come December.
DeleteHappy almost birthday! xoxoxxoxoxo
Nice job with this tricky issue, sistah. I had to work on this quite a bit a while ago, with a therapist. While I try hard to maintain a cordial, civil approach with co workers and friends and family, I had to learn how to protect my own values and position, and had to force myself to be more honest with people about what I was feeling, and letting them know when I disagreed with them, or didn't want to do the thing they wanted. I had to understand that what they wanted me to do was good for them, but not always good for me. So, I learned to put my own needs ahead of theirs, sometimes, and not to feel so darn guilty about it. People have all sorts of agendas, and they can be quite manipulative. I had to learn to say, that's not my problem. I'm sorry it's yours, but don't try to transfer it to me, cuz I don't want it! I try to be honest with civility and courtesy.
ReplyDeleteBut how do you know your own values and positons? How do you uncover that? How do you sort it out? How do you know which voice in your head is your own voice? Ugh.
Deleteand, btw, I've watched you be honest with civility and love - you know how to do that. Good example for your big sistah!
xoxoxoxoxox
Truth? I did it in therapy. I mean it was all there everything I believed in and was in my core..and I bet it is there for you too, but i needed refining.
ReplyDeleteAnd even more importantly I needed to learn the very to defend my boundaries with other people and not constantly explain myself, feel responsible unnecessarily or defend my decisions. But in the end it's very affirming and quite freeing. I know without a doubt I'm a better person for it.
Therapy - yes, lots to be learned there. I am actually getting better at setting boundaries - especially at work. I am always willing to learn more.
DeleteOh such a big, chunky topic. I have a hard time figuring out how compassionate (and civil) and "real" fit in together. For me, the starting point is figuring out which of my thoughts, reactions, responses is truest to who I am and, also importantly, to who I would like to be.
ReplyDeleteI don't think "real" necessarily means giving credence to every mood and passing thought let alone putting those moods and passing thoughts out there in the world. I don't think it's "fake" necessarily to be pleasant to someone I can't stand--sometimes adulthood demands these things, especially in the work arena.
I spend a lot of time sifting through my intentions in any given situation--if I am about to "mouth off" out of anger or if I am NOT "mouthing off" purely out of fear, it's definitely something to look at. If I am taking on an extra task because I think someone will be impressed if I do or pissed if I don't, it's definitely something to take a look at.
Above all, though, I think it's never a mistake to be as kind as possible--even the roughest truths go down better when covered in kindness.
Thoughtful response, MM -- I like that third paragraph -- the part about paying attention to intentions. That's a good one. I am sure I, too often, don't say the truth too out of fear - fear of offending, fear of rocking the boat, fear of causing a confrontation that I will not be able to support. I also often take on too much in an effort to prove something - that I can do it?
DeleteBeing as kind as possible - rough truths covered in kindness. That is good. Thanks --
Judy said it for me: "I think sometimes people confuse being "real" with being uncensored and rude and mean. I think being real just means being true to yourself. And you can definitely do that without demeaning other people." Masked Mom also acknowledged the chunkiness of this topic. I dig it, Gracie!
ReplyDeleteTo me, being real is being honest, first with yourself, then with others in your life. Being real is being courageous enough to admit when you want or don't want to be part of something.
I feel a story is necessary here.
I like to be social with friends and acquaintances, until their second adult beverage. I have no moral or ethical issues with alcohol; I enjoy a mixed drink or a beer every so often myself. I have learned, however, that the people in my life who drink alcohol (me included) are much more pleasant before their second drink. The first one just relaxes everyone a bit. It brings a few silly stories to the surface and everyone laughs until someone says "stop, I have to pee!" This is enjoyable to me.
The second drink brings false bravado, more aggressive physical contact, fewer topic filters, and then stories of "man, I was so *wasted* this one time that I did ..." These stories are not amusing to me. These stories remind me I don't have as much in common with these people as I thought I did. I start to feel like a fuddy duddy grown-up at the table with a bunch of college kids. This is especially uncomfortable with work colleagues.
Please bear with me. I promise I'm getting to my point.
For me, in that situation, being real is leaving when the second round is ordered. It's being honest with myself that I don't have to stay and listen. I don't have to "close the place down." When people ask me about it later, I don't have to be brutally honest with them. Being real doesn't mean telling them I think they're idiots when they drink. Being real means they know I'm not going to "get wasted" with them. It just means I honor my comfort levels and don't push myself beyond mild discomfort into truly uncomfortable.
That all made sense in my head. I hope it makes sense on the screen as well. :-)
Excellent topic!!
That totally made sense to me, Margi. I liked your story. As odd as it might sound, I am trying to determine my comfort levels. If I had my way, I would be alone much of the time right now, letting the stuff in my head play around with the words on all the pages I would be reading. There would be some cool art as a result, I can assure you of that.
DeleteThank you so much for your comments and your story. I appreciated them.
This is from Tangled Lou's recent post: The waking nightmare is that it's all slipping away from me. That my charade will end and no one will guess the answers and I will stand there, foolish; sweating and miming the actions of a real life.
ReplyDeleteThat says a lot to me.
Read more here:
http://peripheralimages.blogspot.com/