"People don't want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown."
— Chuck Palahniuk (Survivor)
I have decided that life is just too much drama. I just want to be alive in this one moment. I want to see what is in this one moment: the colors, the angles, the sparkles, the brilliance, the eyes, the self and, yes, the darkness and the dullness. I want to hear what is in this one moment as well: the ticking clock, the traffic, the kid voices, the songs of my life, laughter, my breathing, and, yes, perhaps most especially, the silence. And then I want to taste what is in this one moment: the bitter, the sweet, the fresh bread, the cool water, the salty sweat, the tinge of spice and yes, the pinot noir . I want to smell what is in this one moment too: hot asphalt, tiny roses, Ellie dog fur, the scent of a man, beach memories, lemon slices, and, if I am lucky, good, simple food and drink. Most of all, I want to feel what is in this moment: my aliveness, my headache, sun's warmth, curiosity, calmness, fear, connectedness, and, most of all , acceptance for all that is in this one moment. Nothing else but now. The moment is on stage. There is no room for drama when I invite the moment up on stage.
There can be a lot of drama in silence, even in a single moment. She asked, "Do you love me?" His silence spoke volumes...btw, I love you. When I left you behind, back in high school, why didn't you ask me why I was being a turd?
ReplyDeleteDude! There is no way in hell you had any idea that you had done that.
ReplyDeleteActually, I agree. I was so unaware of whether or not I stacked up to others, that I had no concept that you struggled to find a particular niche. I guess I assumed that we (our siblings and you and me) were all pretty confident of our place in the order, and there was no thought of looking around to see that everyone was on the same page. I can't turn back the clock, but I can make sure that it doesn't happen again.
ReplyDeleteThat was all part of growing up - you were exactly where you needed to be and, yes, where you were supposed to be. And, in the end, it worked out just fine. Hard times for me, yes, but out of hard times comes great learning, yes?
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