Monday, October 7, 2013

Hello All,

          It's been a long time since I've posted.  It's  complicated but then it seems like lots of things about life are complicated.  My head is spinning these days and I am not sure when any of it will stop.  Maybe never.  What I know is that I go to work every day and, in that place and time, I function well.  I have clearly defined roles and expectations.  I have a purpose.  I am on strong footing and solid ground there.

         Away from work, I still function well.  I do what I am supposed to be doing but, in the same moment,  I am questioning everything.  Well, not everything.  I have a family that gives me all that I need (both family of origin and family I created).  We do have our moments but really?  Really, I couldn't ask for better companions on this journey.  Beyond family, I am lost.  That sounds dramatic but I don't have other words right now.  For the past couple of months I have been unwilling to write or paint anything.  I have been unwilling to socialize beyond family obligations.  I have very nearly been unwilling even to read.  And that's what tells me I am in big trouble.  Reading is my go to for any pain. And I can't even go there.

     I go no where but into silence.  Okay, occasionally I get myself over to the ocean and watch the waves.  I go to the dreamscape.  Mostly I go to night dreams but sometimes those night dreams invade my day dreams  and that is an interesting adventure.  I am investigating, touching, feeling the places in my head that I never saw before.  I am also experimenting with going to places that are NOT in my head.  That's an unfamiliar experience for sure.

    The whole thing sounds so weirdly cosmic.  Yeah, I don't have words for it.

    I'll see what happens next.

Yours for new and better times,


  1. What a surprise it was to come to discover your post today. I was in the process of preparing my "Ask Arlee" post for this coming Wednesday and I was going to address the question about "How can I afford to retire"" that you asked so many moons ago back in February.

    I can understand a lot of what you're dealing with (except a job which I no longer have) and we are part of the vast masses who are asking similar questions and expressing similar concerns. Things today are very weird and disconcerting for many of us. You are not alone by any means.

    Your post today helps put my answer (or non-answer as it may be) into greater perspective. I'm going over the February questions to try to come up with a good answer, but there may be none other than the more existential and cosmic ones that you probably are mulling over now.

    I have become optimistically pessimistic--or pessimistically optimistic?--if there is such a thing. I am certain that worse times are ahead, but what's the point in worrying and getting worked up about them.

    Que sera sera.

    Now you've got me thinking even more.

    Take care

  2. I can't pretend to know what you're going through - but I can certainly sympathize. I am presently going through extremely difficult times and have many of the same feelings that you do. I still maintain my blog because writing helps me to keep from going nuts, but I never reveal my deepest problems in my blog. It's far too public.

    Be thankful for your family. I'm enduring all of my personal agonies entirely alone. Take care.

  3. Is this a known pain or an unknown pain?
    Did I miss something somewhere?

  4. Gracie, darling! So good to see you here. I must admit I've been a little bit worried about you. Sounds like you've been on quite a ride. Hang on tight, who knows where you'll be when you get off? Wishing you peace.

  5. I've been wondering about you. Glad to see you posted. Chin up.

  6. I have missed you and I am always so glad to hear what you have to say and the refreshing honesty with which you say it. Whatever you feel like writing about, I will read. My thoughts are with you, always.

  7. I have missed you too. I need hibernation sometimes, but it seems like something more for you. Glad you have a safety net in both your families. You have another net out here, as you can see from the posts. Love you.

  8. Came over from Arlee's blog - Nice to meet you! Traveled a similar path, adjustments are needed - and never what we expect. Wishing you peace!

  9. Glad your back posting. After I went through a devastating divorce almost twenty years ago, I had to learn some things. The most important thing I learned was that I could not depend on someone else to supply my happiness or worth. THIS was huge.

    If we don't find happiness in ourselves first, then (I think) long term happiness or contentment will be a lost cause.

    PS I'm a daydreamer, I hate to admit, but it supplies my writing needs. :)

  10. I came upon this posting after reading Arlee Bird's reference to it. You lead and have lead, by your account, a successful life and are an accomplished person. You don't sound like a candidate for depression, but who is? I read your post, Implied Contract, and wonder if the feelings reported there are impacting you. Consider this: I lost my mother some 20+ years ago at a time when she was far into senility. In her lucid moments, she expressed the wish that she were dead. My father died 25 years earlier, expressing the same wish because of the pain and limitations that emphysema and heart disease had laid on him. Accordingly, I lived for the present and tried to keep all thoughts of aging away - depression lay down that road. Guess what? I will be 90 next month. I go sailing in a kayak whenever I find time away from deciding what to next with a book that I have finally completed. Agents tell me nobody in today's world will read a 700-page book. I completed an addition to the house when I was 80, and I'll get out my carpenter's apron and build another if I keep getting bad advice on the book. I've outlived a younger doctor who couldn't quit smoking but told me I'd live to be 100. I feel like the guy who fell off a skyscraper and, passing someone looking out of a 20th story window, told him that it wasn't too bad - so far. We're all on some version of his trip, without his certainty as to time. Some of us will luck out - live comparatively well and die in our sleep. For others, it will be far worse, and you don't get to choose.

    Jack Eiden