"The sea is nothing but a library of all the tears in history."
Lemony Snicket
Okay, I'm putting it right out there. All of my life I have been afraid of tears. They say I am weak. They say there is something wrong with me. Buck up, baby. Show nothing lest you be seen.
Here's the rule: you can cry. Just not in front of anyone. Okay, maybe in front of your best friend but that's it. Cry at any other time and you are less than. My parents did not cry, my older brothers did not cry. As a matter of fact, if you did cry, the response was, "Stop crying, young lady, or I will give you something to cry about."
One exception to the rule is death. Death is too big to hide from. I even saw my dad tear up when his mother was buried. Tears are, indeed, a surrender to the power of death. Tears are sadness, anger, frustration, happiness made real. Made visible. Tears connect us humans in all of our deepest places. Exposing those places? What a risk!
Lately I've been thinking that I might want to change the rule. Maybe tears actually signal strength? Maybe they say "Yes, yes, I know my pain. And, yes, I know your pain. You are not alone. Nor am I."
After all, let's get real. Pain is a link for all humans. For me to go inside and then deliver to the public my heart and soul? That takes strength. Maybe even courage. My tears connect me and I can be known. Scary.
You're not alone
I'm with you, I'm lonely too
What's that song
can't be sung by two?
A broken home, a broken heart
isolated and afraid
Open up this is a raid
I wanna get it through to you
You're not alone
You're not alone, every night
I stand in your place
Every tear on every face
Tastes the same
A broken home, a broken heart
isolated and afraid
Open up this is a raid
I wanna get it through to you
You're not alone
A broken home, a broken heart
there's no need to be afraid
Open up this is a raid
I wanna get it through to you
You're not alone
I wanna get it through to you
You're not alone
Tears do signal strength. To be honest, when people encounter people who never cry, we know that their intentionally "not" crying...so in all reaslity, that's not a strength,
ReplyDeleteI think in my childhood house, stoicism was the strength. GOd only knows why.
DeleteMy daughter sometimes talks about how I never cry, even when I broke my wrist. She has a hard understanding how I didn't cry when that happened, because she cried when she broke her wrist.
ReplyDeleteBut I did have tears at the end of Toy Story 3; she just couldn't see them.
My dad used to use that whole "I'll give you something to cry about" line. I used to always think he was so stupid when he said that. I mean, that's just a stupid thing to say and shows a lack of empathy to what is causing the current tears. Which was pretty much always him. But anyway...
Tears are weird.
Right on! Tears are weird. But then I think lot of body functions are weird but we won't go there right now.....
DeleteI think it would be cool for your daughter to see your tears - broken wrist or movie tears. Then she knows that dads feel too. But you've probably thought of that a time or two yourself.
I've done a helluva lot of crying in private (there's an ocean of tears named after me) but I've never cried in public or in front of anyone.
ReplyDeleteAs the old saying goes: tears are beneficial, they wash the eyes so we can see clearly again.
Hey, I thought I was the only one who knew about Lemony Snicket!
(and I liked the song!)
Yikes! Never, Jon? Is it that you don't feel or is it that you have extraordinary self control? just wondering.....
DeleteGlad you liked that song :)
I have far too often cried in front of people. I hate it. Because, when I'm crying, I don't want to explain why I'm crying, and that's the first question everyone has. Much easier to cry in private where I don't have to explain.
ReplyDeleteYes, don't have to explain and, perhaps, don't have to be embarrassed - I get that. THere have been times when tears were shed but everyone knew why and they were crying too. Death calling, comes to mind.
DeleteI wonder why crying, with tears and all, is considered a sign of weakness. "Big girls don't cry" , brave men don't cry, and women in a business meeting should never, ever cry. So why are we taught not to cry when it is part of our natural inner workings.
ReplyDeleteSo I googled and learned (from the the website http://science.howstuffworks.com/life/crying1.htm) that when scientists analyzed the content of reflex tears and emotional tears (after peeling an onion and watching a sad movie, respectively). they found each type was very different. Reflex tears are generally found to be about 98 percent water, whereas several chemicals are commonly present in emotional tears. One of the chemicals found in the emotional tears is an endorphin which helps to reduce pain.
There is a disclaimer that the study done was limited and further investigation is required.
I was taught as a little girl that whenever I felt like I was going to cry, I should take a deep breath and swallow. Hmm, interesting concept, huh? A shrink would have a field day with that one, for sure.
Swallow your pain. Right.
DeleteI did some research when I was thinking about this topic. I learned that little piece of info about the content of reflex tears and the content of emotional tears. I thought that was fascinating!
let them flow, I'll catch them . . .
ReplyDeleteYou do. On a regular basis. And for that I am grateful. And, you know, I will return the favor at any time.
DeleteI don't remember ever being outright told that crying was weak or unacceptable, but somehow, by the time I was five, when I dislocated my elbow, I understood that I should not make any undue fuss about it. And if THAT pain was not fuss-worthy than a few hurt feelings certainly didn't merit tears, right?
ReplyDeleteI seem to have been gradually losing my ability to hold them back, though--perhaps enlightenment and growth, perhaps merely peri-menopausal hormonal turmoil at work. Regardless, I fear my reputation as a stoic tough "guy" is at risk--and I'm strangely okay with that. ;)
I'm glad you are okay with losing that tough image. I am really afraid to lose that in the professional world but seem to be far more vulnerable in the personal world these days. But, now that I think about it, there was more than one occasion earlier this year when my vulnerability showed at work - not in front of kids but still.... And I did not like that. Not one little bit.
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