jtoneill.net

So I am working on a website featuring both my photography and my original art work.  But there is an introductory page that I need to do - and part of that page is the dreaded "About me" -- hmmmmm - that is tough to write so I will practice here first.
      Long ago and far away I was a teenager.  What a time of angst and confusion. Solitude was my best friend and family was my refuge.  I pushed myself out into the world via a marriage and, with its demise, all doors opened.  So many exciting doors with so many choices! That twentysomething decade included roller coaster years of exploration and discovery, of roles and masks, of social life and solitude. Personal encounter and change characterized those times.  They are remembered fondly and with great appreciation for all that I learned.
     And still long ago and far away were my hard working thirties and forties.  These two decades were all about raising children and striving for professional perfection and acknowledgement.  Marriage, friendships and self had to be inadvertently set aside as the responsibility of parenthood and work simply took over.  Being a reflective, responsive, and present parent has been the toughest work of my life but the payoff is grand.  I am so proud of those two children.  Professionally, I remain in love with my work and believe I am in my element there.
     Now for the last third (or less) of my life...... scary.  It saddens me when I think that at least two thirds of my life has been lived,  much of it with my eyes closed and my foot on the accelerator.  I suppose this website is an attempt to meld together much of what I have learned so far in life.  It isn't really for anyone else but me.  It is a way to fuse past and present via my own words and images and the words and images of others who have profoundly touched me.  Putting it all out there for the world to see and judge is rather narcissistic, I venture to say, but it is one way to sort life out and be held accountable. What do you think?
     ps:  The website isn't up quite yet but I'll let you know when it is!

Make Your Own Kind Of Music

Remember that song Make Your Own Kind of Music?  Maybe that's the obvious answer to the question I posed yesterday.  Are there good surprises left?  Are there crests yet to come? I suppose if I cocoon my way through the next , oh, 35 years or so, the chances of real highs happening are relatively small.  I am sure there would lots of pleasant moments but intense joy, wonder, excitement?  I don't  know.  Maybe you have to go out and make those moments.  When I reflect back on my 20's there were lots of adventures - some travel, lots of adventures of the heart, always new people being encountered, and openness to explore and an ability to move lightly through life.  I can still travel, I can still  meet and connect with new people, I can be open to what is out there - I want adventures of the heart but that's complicated.  I think the surprises come when eyes sparkle, when attitude is open, when there is an element of risk at stake.  Risk adds to the excitement , to the surprise - but risk is, oh yeah, risky.  It doesn't always play out the way you were hoping.  I also wonder if surprises are more available when your life is not overly complicated, not a tangle of a schedule, not bogged down with things and the need to take care of things (like houses, yards, cars - those kind of things).  Just wondering....

Is it true?

I get grief for this but sometimes I feel as if all the surprises are done - all the good surprises, that is.  There are lots of bad surprises waiting to happen but when you get past the college and career decisions, the marriage and kids days, where can you find surprises?  Yes, there can be pleasures and daily pleasant moments - I get that - but how about moments of intense joy or excitement? Maybe I will be surprised but when I scan the future (which I seldom do) I see a collage of same old same old days.  For a few years here I will keep going to work every day.  And that's a good thing...... overall, I love my work and it brings lots of satisfying/challenging moments.  But it isn't a surprise.  I will enjoy plenty of laughter with friends and family.  I expect to have a few travel adventures and relish plenty of good books, good music and a few good movies. People tell me that grandchildren can be delicious and perhaps I will have the opportunity to discover that.  But I thrive on the highs in life - the way highs - and, admittedly, I am plagued by the lows in life.  I both love and hate the roller coaster that is life but if I have to be in the trough, then I want to ride a crest too.