Since last March, I have had periodic chest pain and shortness of breath. For the longest time, I ignored it because that’s what I do. I also didn’t want to deal with it during the opening months of the pandemic. In the fall, the chest pain started getting worse and my excuses (spring allergies, and then smoke) ran out. I caved and got it checked out. They ruled out lung issues and I was sent to a cardiologist.
I am not a candidate for heart disease. My cholesterol and blood pressure numbers have always been ideal. My weight is excellent, I exercise daily and with gusto. There is no family history of coronary artery disease. But the cardiologist played the “heart disease can be unpredictable” card so I did the echocardiogram and the cardiac CAT scan. I still have to see the cardiologist for the follow up appointment but even I can read the report sent to my on line medical file. When you see “normal, normal, normal”, you might assume that heart disease can be ruled out.
What can’t be ruled out is that it has been a damnable year of COVID fear and anxiety, of election rage and disgust, of justified and angry civil unrest, of ridiculous high temperatures with frightening wild fires and harmful smoke that obliterated the sun. On a personal note, it was a year of continued disconnect from certain important people. COVID won’t allow me to visit with some people who matter and emails can only go so far. The anxiety and limited choices offered by a pandemic can stress even the best of marriage and family relationships and that adds to the isolation. I know I am not alone in this but this year’s holiday time was the most isolating and lonely Christmas season of my life. Christmas Day was gray and rainy and cold. COVID and SIP meant no visitors. I looked around at how to make the best of the day but, honestly? The best wasn’t all that great.
So you want to know why my heart hurts? Don’t look at the X-rays and ultrasounds. Look at the year it’s been. How do you take away that sharp and steady push on the chest? That feeling of not being able to breathe? Good question. I suppose one can set their eyes on some rare and perfect tomorrow but that only goes so far. I do want to have the right attitude, the go with the flow attitude, the “everything is gonna be alright” attitude and often I catch it and often I can hold onto it. For me, it does seem to be dependent on sunny weather, long days, bicycle rides, paint, lightness, and levity. In these days of literal darkness, constant pain from the most recent bike accident, and a shadow of loneliness, I can lose my grip.
One strategy that I have come to depend on involves others. I have learned to draw strength and good humor from the people around me. I am disappointed and angry that I can’t go visit my extended family members. They bring me so much lightness and joy! But I have discovered, especially during this pandemic year, that the internet is full of interesting, positive, funny, kind, thoughtful, creative, engaging souls. Twitter gets a bad rap for negativity and meanness but not on my feed. I have met the most delightful people there and made some genuine friends. I have people who brighten up my day with their photos, their art work (huge props to #ArtAdventCalandar group), their humor, their wisdom. Between the #FlowerReport and #SundaySentence, Sundays can be so rewarding. Every day, I can read book and poetry reviews. Every day, I am treated to photos and information about locations all around the world. Every day, I can catch articles that might expand on the headlines. I can see things all day that make me chuckle and, best of all, I can enjoy side conversations with people who have become real friends. No, it’s not the same as IRL but who’s to say if one is necessarily better than the other. I know my life has been made immeasurably richer this year by some of these connections and for that I am grateful.
I’ve also been reminded about another way to change my outlook. How about not merely absorbing goodness? How about giving strength, beauty, affection, good humor to the people around me? How about sharing the wealth? A funny thing happened to me years ago that illustrates this point. I was a waitress when I was in college. I can remember going into work one Friday evening. I was having boyfriend trouble and I was cranky. I was also, however, both smart and empathic. I knew that a grouchy server was not going to add pleasure to the patrons’ dinner. I also knew that grouchy servers did not get good tips. I pulled out that smile and that gracious attitude and the oddest thing happened. An hour later I remember noticing that my mood had improved dramatically. The boyfriend trouble had not gone away but my irritability had transformed it into genuine cheerfulness. Something about fake it til you make it? I have never forgotten that night and that revelation. It still works.
I’m not saying one should merely brush off the bad times or stuff them away. I am suggesting that it works to acknowledge the tough times and then to literally set them aside, if you can. What has helped me do that is to do something for someone else. If I can remember this strategy when the world seems dark, I set my own darkness up on that mental shelf for a little while and I attempt to shine some light for someone else. Maybe at first I might have to connect with some good person or some good idea. Maybe I need a little fuel to reach out. That’s okay. I do that. But then I throw something out that might improve someone else’s day. What I know now is that one never knows how an IRL or an internet smile can impact someone else.
So how am I managing after nine months of pandemic isolation? I have my good days and my not so good days. With the help of my friends, especially those who remind me of the light, I am making it through. Life is hard but I do know that, if you let it, life can also open lots of doors. Life can bring a lot of light and love into your days. Granted, it can be challenging and the last few weeks have been harder than I imagined they would be. But January brings the gradual and visible return of the sun. By the end of January, the longer days will become more noticeable. There will be signs outside that winter is moving towards spring. The COVID vaccine will begin to have an impact on our communities and perhaps the losses will recede. 2021 stands to be a remarkable year, particularly in contrast to the previous year. I know many people who will come out of the overwhelming isolation and anxiety of this year with renewed appreciation for “normal days”. I think that’s a gift worth receiving, don’t you?
*My thanks to @tomlin_bruce for valuable feedback on the first drafts of this post. Bruce, your optimism and world outlook are priceless. Thank you for showing them to me.
